Evans Cycles

Anyway did I ever tell you about the time I was abducted off the street by The Continuity Evans? Some of you probably know that a few years ago there were a lot of redundancies at Evans when they went through a bad patch. Less well known is that some of these ex-employees formed themselves in to a splinter group. Schisms like this used to be common in the bike selling industry. There were, at one point, at least four groups claiming to be the real Condor. That was back in the 60s though and since becoming more corporate bike shops have generally kept these divisions in check.
The Continuity Evans had somehow gained access to the 'Evans' data base and had trawled it thoroughly for records of disgruntled customers. Just going through complaints at the Spitalfields branch on its own took up more than six months of their time. Less time than it usually takes to order a pair of track nuts, as they pointed out.
Well, one day I was approached by a young chap asking for directions to "Li-cester Square". That we were in Bethnal Green at the time should have raised my suspicions but I have met a fair few confused Americans so I thought nothing of it. I was just pointing him towards East Ham when everything went black.
I woke up, some indeterminate time later, in what appeared to be a branch of Evans. A quick glance around though told me that something was not right. The bikes seemed to have been made of empty loo roles, glued together and hurriedly spray painted. More to the point there were no customers crying and heading for the door. This can't be Evans, I thought to myself.
Just then the 'tourist' I had been trying to help came in along with another bloke.
"What the fuck is going on? I asked, which always seems to be the question one is asking oneself when surrounded by the gold and green. "Don't worry" said the first man "We only want to help you and give good customer service". The other bloke added "This is Evans, Jim, but not as you know it". Great, I thought, a Star Trek nerd, this just keeps getting better. All I need now is for Noel Fucking Edmonds to jump out from behind the counter. (Little did I know that Noel Fucking Edmonds was at that exact moment being held by The Popular Front For The Liberation of Burton's).
Anyhow, it was then explained to me that a couple of years previously I had returned a Cateye light to Evans having discovered that a member of staff had written the word PAEDO on the front glass; which I had not noticed until I had received several, otherwise inexplicable, beatings during my first after-dark ride.
On returning the kiddie-fiddling Cateye to the shop the assistant had smirked at me and called his colleagues over to smirk along with him. Long story short I eventually got my money back only to discover that the 'complimentary voucher' I had also received was stamped with the phrase "Will suck for cash".
My two kidnappers, reading of my ordeal, saw this as a chance to make amends and prove that The Continuity Evans were a different kettle of fish. In short they were offering me a new Cateye and a proper voucher. By this time I was pretty much willing to go along with anything these nut-jobs said just to get out of there. Which, ironically, is again more or less how you end up feeling in a regular Evans shop.
All they wanted in return was that I become a 'Brand Ambassador' for them and that I should blog about how great their commitment to customer service was.
I said Yes. At that point everything went black again.
I woke up back in Bethnal Green. Slowly coming round I felt a lump in my back pocket. Reaching round I pulled out my new 'Cateye'. It was a Knog glued to one end of a fish finger. Fucks sake, a Knog? I'll get more lumens if I set fire to the fish finger.
I am not sure what has became of The Continuity Evans. I thought I saw the two guys who snatched me early one morning pissing against the front door of BLB but then again that could have been so many people. Most days there is a queue to leave a gesture of appreciation there.