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Gerald, you're an amazing person and it's obvious that you had an inspirational father. I think that to die in the arms of your loving family at the end of a long and productive life is the greatest gift possible, I wish nothing better for any of us. If you'd like me to do anything, let me know.
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thank you all so much for your kind words of support on this thread and the countless personal messages. this forum is a wonderful place filled with great people. there is so much good that can come from my fathers passing. i have learnt so much already and put to bed many ghosts.
it was just over a year ago on the day of my aunties funeral that dad recieved the results of a scan. he had not, for some time felt quite right within himself and that day his fears were confirmed.
my brother, sisters, mum and dad all left the reception for a moment and outside mum and dad explained. prostate cancer was the diagnosis caught in the early stages so no problem really. dad would have to undergo a 12 week course of radio therapy and then things could start to get back to normal. everyday to guys, get zapped and then back home again. that seemed to do the trick but weeks after he was still passing blood. more scans and they found that some cancerous cells were still present. several operations followed with the cells being scraped away. dad would then come home and all would be well again for a while. then what breaks my heart the most started. dad started passing clots and this caused him so much pain that he would writhe and stamp his feet. no amount of paracetomol would ease the pain and the only thing that would stop the stabbing, burning sensation he could not even put into words was a glass of water. dad had always done manual work and was as strong as an ox. his arms always felt so solid. i used take so much comfort from gently sqeezing his arm whenever i kissed him goodbye, it always reassured me that he had some fight left in him.
so back in hospital dad decided that enough was enough-he simply couldnt bare it any longer, he would take the risk and have the major operation to remove his bladder. that went as well as the surgeon could have hoped. following days were routine with dad in bed, they kept him on the drip then off the drip and on fluids. while on fluids i believe he vomited which caused an infection on his lungs and it was at this point that it all went pear shaped. dad was taking to the critical care unit at guys and over the next four days he would take a three steps forward and then one step back. tome this was fine as i saw it as progress regardless. glass half full. while in the intensive care unit he was sedated as they were using a ventilator to help him breathe a dyalisis machine so that his kidneys would not have to work the aim was to let the body repair itself with as little effort as possible. although sedated he could occasionally respond by sqeezing our hand and apparently wriggled his feet the first time he knew mum was there. a few days passed and more of the same progressall was looking good they took dad down for a routine scan. 4.30 i was at home planning on getting down to see him at 7pm then BLAM.phone rings, mums on the phone
"scream,scream....you have to come down now,,,,,dear god" phone hangs up.
phone rings again, my sisters on the phone "wailing, screaming........you have to come down now, doctor says he has maybe three hours" phone hangs up.inside i'm a mess.
jacket , helmet, what route will i take, hang on this morning they said he was making progress, i can hear my mums voice down the phone, helmet wheres my helmet, keys, route, dad, take some deep breaths, what do i say to mum when i get there. this is oh so wrong.i went to see dad this afternoon at the funeral parlour. we chose albyn on deptford high street.they are open normal shop hours and will open at weekends if we want to visit.
the casket that mum chose is called the last supper. she thought it was well made and dad being a carpenter it was only right. open casket with carvings on the side, sprung mattress and silk pillow.
we had been to other funeral parlours but as mentioned i think its good to go with the company that you make you feel good about the whole process. some of the parlours could just as easily be selling socks. they have the stock but very little care.
just sitting with dad and talking to him in my head and occasionally saying the odd thing or two out aloud was very relaxing.
yesterday we all went to grove park cemetry to choose a plot for dad. mum is over the moon about the plot he has. less than 200 metres from the entrance with lots of new graves so the surroundings will be kept very well.
before dad became unwell we would always go to the gym for a little work out and then a sauna. mum would make us both a little pack lunch of sandwiches a bar of chocolate each, a piece of fruit and a flask of tea. before our last of three sessions in the sauna we would eat and occasionally mumble things to each other. it felt so good and so easy. sometimes we could just sit there for fifteen minutes and not say a single thing. if he dozed off i would find myself staring at him worried that he wasnt breathing and then he would let out a little snor and i would smile to myself and look away.
i write all this so you can see why i am the way i am, part of the reason i am coping and hopefully something can be gained from it. again the love on this forum is amazing.the message: prostate doctor. when you get a chance.
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Humbling stuff, bravo
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Coppi and Father Coppi in the Sauna is a truly heart warming image. thanks for sharing X
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So sorry to hear about this, I'm quite teary. Lots of love and hugs. J xx
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Only just seen this thread. I'm truly sorry for your loss Gerald. Your words bring joy and pain in equal measure. It is lovely that you and your dad shared so much. It is that I guess that will bring secret smiles to your face sometimes.....when you think of all the good days.
Keep the faith, and I am only a call (or text) away should you need me.
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Gerald
I am sorry for your trouble, I ll tell Carole and make sure I have cake for you next time. I did meet your dad once when I dropped some stuff over at your parent's house. I met him and your mum as they came back from church.
I was , I perhaps still am, a nurse so I was used to death and bodies , but being with my father on the afternoon after he had died was some thing different.
Do look after your self ; it does get better...
Edward
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Albyns are a good firm , the Witcombs of SE London funereal directors.
You made a good choice
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things we have learnt: the body does not have to be taken from a hospital straight away. some parlours may want to take the body straight away and charge you for each day that they keep it. hospitals will keep a body for as long as needed by the family.
reading all your kind words always makes me feel stronger. the help and support is greatly appreciated. dad is still chillin in the parlour the furneral is on friday. the cross saga is under control as digger is making it probably as i type this. by the sounds of it the cross will look spectacular and a fitting tribute for a carpenter and wonderful father - six feet tall with four feet out of the ground, pine with routered edges and a mahogany stain..... lovely. cheers digger.
mum appears to be bearing up but after 55 years of marriage it will be a long process for her. this afternoon she's at the hairdressers having her hair done. she is going to look so beautiful.
i can still hear dads voice so clearly and i imagine him like it was yesterday that he was around up and about and doing a walking lap of the park with me or eating half a juicy mango and pausing to wipe or kiss the juice away that had spilled onto his hand.
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A death in the family
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@coppiThat
I feel for you G.. Your words convey the love you felt.. And the memories you have will never fade.