Helmets & Lights

Two pieces of string walk into another bar. This one's just round the corner from the others, and has a altogether more reputable clientele.

The bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't like serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again.

They're sitting in the gutter outside, desperate to get their drink on when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea that'll get me served." so he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts.

Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?"

The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot"

Across the bar a piece of tarmac is boasting that, as a piece of the M1, he is the toughest tarmac around.
But, then a piece of green tarmac enters, and the piece of M1 ducks under the bar.
The barman peers over and whispers.
"I though you were the toughest tarmac around"
The peice of M1 answers.
"well yeah, but that guys a cyclepath"

Two condoms are walking along the street and stop outside a gay bar. One says to the other "hey - let's go in here and get shitfaced!".

Wally the white horse walks into yet another bar and asks for a pint. "Blimey" says the barman "a talking horse.

The RSPCA are currently rounding up all horse owners in and around London, as they've clearly been mistreating them.

Guy walk into a bar and steps right into a huge turd on the floor.

A bloke in the corner says "ha - I just did that".

So he goes over and decks him.

Across the bar a piece of tarmac is boasting that, as a piece of the M1, he is the toughest tarmac around.
But, then a piece of green tarmac enters, and the piece of M1 ducks under the bar.
The barman peers over and whispers.
"I though you were the toughest tarmac around"
The peice of M1 answers.
"well yeah, but that guys a cyclepath"

One for me, and one for the road!

Rover was a faithful hound and followed his master everywhere, which, invariably, meant that he spent a lot of time sitting in the bar at the local pub. After some years, Rover died and was buried in his owner's garden. Buried that is, apart from his tail which was stuffed and mounted in a display case in the pub.

Rover's spirit wejnt up to the Pearly Gates where the canine St Peter looked at him and said "Sorry mate, you can't come in here without a tail. Whole dogs only. Pop back and get your tail and we can talk about it."

So the spirit of Rover went back to the pub in the middle of the night and tried to recover his tail from the display cabinet. It crashed to the floor and burst open, awakening the publican who rushed downstairs to see what was happening. When he saw what was going on he said:

"Sorry mate, we can't retail spirits after last orders."

The RSPCA are currently rounding up all horse owners in and around London, as they've clearly been mistreating them.

EAA

Equine Alcoholics Anonymous

Bloke asks for a packet of plain crisps. Barman says: "sorry, we only do helicopter flavour".

Blame my 8 year old.

Bloke asks for a packet of plain crisps. Barman says: "sorry, we only do helicopter flavour".

Blame my 8 year old.

I blame the parents.

Yeah, grrrr, if I ever find the mother.....

I was actually in north-east London to see the drag show at Bistrotech. Maybr I saw Balki and Damo in the performance...
my wife was supposed to go there for her birthday last week, she wants to know if it's any good.

Man walks into a bar.

Ouch.

my wife was supposed to go there for her birthday last week, she wants to know if it's any good.

The show was hilarious and will scar your dreams for a while. Food was good too. We did the £30 meal plus entry deal.

I paid £60 and got double entry.

#illgetmycoat