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  • David Hockney lives on the same street as me parents.
    I wandered along the road to have a nosey at his house, and he came out carrying a load of paintings.
    I shook hands with him and burbled a bit, then he got into a car with his big French boyfriend and drove off.

    Oh, and I've fucked Zoe Ball's cousin round the back of a horrid nightclub in a place called Batley.

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