Locks that work

Pitlocks are a waste of money.
QR front wheel.
take it off and stick it with the rear.
Single D lock of high caliber and you're set.
Takes about 4 seconds on and off, a little more if you've disc brakes/ non QR brakes,
requires no fiddly key/tool- which you WILL lose.

RUBBISH. Taking off your front wheel, un-locking relocking your brake to do this is a total faff. What about the damage to your fork form pluncking it on bare concrete unprotected? What's stopping a theif from stealing your cockpit ie stem, bars, brakes/levers, fork etc? An Allen key >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.
On top of that^ do you really want to remove your seatpost each time you're off your bike? What is it's a steel frame in the rain rain??

If you don't have a QR then how will you get the wheel off??
Tools.
But according to your scenario we're all too stupid to keep a tool that can be put on a key ring in......YOUR TOOL BAG.