I hate

My friend Ed's hairclippers. Now, I have used them before and I know they are crap and it takes an hour to shave your head but I was desperate, sick of having a mop of hair perching on my head like a balding Spaniel's ear.
So I thought I would speed things up by hacking away most of the undergrowth with the kitchen scissors. That didn't go quite as well as I had hoped. There were stripes and clumps. Still, they will even out when I get the clippers to work.
Mmm, half an hour in and this is beginning to look even worse. Like Forrest Gump with alopecia. There's clearly no way of reattaching any hair, which by the way has got everywhere, even on the cat who is sleeping next to me, so....
There I am in the bath, the top of my head covered in shaving cream looking like a fastidious bukake performer, razor in hand.
Pantani looked good with a completely bald head. I, however, do not. I am not very tanned but the scalp that was under my hair is white. Beyond white. I look like I am undergoing chemotherapy.
I have a job interview on Monday. Should, at some point, I judge it not to be going well I will casually remove my cap and let them draw their own conclusions about whether or not they want to employ someone who may only have months to live but, on the other hand, is clearly plucky.