I hate

that sucks mate, I've been through it and all I can say is you'll come out the other side one day and feel better after a while (a cliche I know but its true)

The thing I hard to swallow is that I lost X, whom I loved so fucking much, to something that does not even exist: a baby.

I've never wanted kids. X has always wanted kids. We had talked about it in the past and at one point were thinking if there was any reason to continue as the issue would surely rise to the top again.

We decided to continue, got the cats and all. It seems X was happy with this and thought it was enough. I didn't change, but she found out she couldn't live without a proper family. So that was it. The seven years were good, but I didn't want the run to end.

The reasons I do not want kids are:

1) My freedom. I hate having to work for a living. The thought that I'd have to give up more of my even now meager free time is unbearable. If I didn't need to work, I think I might be able to have kid. Maybe. I dread what would become of me sleeping less and being even more stressed.

After doing some thinking I realized the last proper vacation I've had was in 2006. And before that, maybe somewhere around the turn of the millennium. Okay, so I was unemployed for a while in '07, but to an adult with mortgage it really is not that much of a holiday.

2) My Peter Pan syndrome. A child would be the final nail in the coffin -- I'd lose The Game, the last vestiges of my youth and not having to think like an adult. I hate the everyday life of an adult, having to think things I do not like and taking care of "grown-up stuff". Call me a goddamn child or a stupid teenager or whatever, but this is the way I think.

3) I fear having to face my faults (both physical and mental) and insecurities again. Having a kid would mean I'd have to again see myself growing and making mistakes and all that. I could, maybe, adopt, but I'd never want someone to carry my genes, be of my blood. X telling me my genes would be good for the child was not enough. I believe this is the thing that will never change -- I want to carry myself to the grave and leave none of myself behind.

My friends who've known me for ages know this is me, but, for example, X's friends -- most of them girls with kids nowadays -- have, of course, thought of me as a monster. Even my mother cannot fathom why I did what I did. But I guess that's just a mother thing. It would be weird if they'd not want children around. And yes, it might seem weird to give up so much because the only thing the other person wanted is a child -- after all, how hard can it be?! But I cannot think the same way.

And still, in a way, I am somewhat proud of what I did. I didn't buckle under the pressure to become something I am not nor want to be. I really think a man should be able to say "I did it my way" and carry the consequences of his actions whatever they might be.

Life will go on, like you said. I am sure of it. I haven't changed, in this sense, in the almost 35 years I've been breathing the air of this planet. I can only hope the day won't come I do change. That thought has been keeping me awake at nights. At the moment I do not want to think how bad I would then feel.

And now I have found out she and one of my oldest friends have found each other. It makes it a bit easier for me to accept the situation as she has found someone that could well be a better fit for her. I really can't feel angry as it would mean I would have to start to hate good friends. I do not want that on top of these other things -- it'd just make the situation even harder.