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@cookiesdonniedarko
Seriously I use a bit of tissue for the grease give the chain a run through until all the shit if off of it and stick some halfords bog standard lube ... no noise ... smooth operation.
The Best Bicycle oil is the sturmey archer stuff though that seems to have a 70s designed can ... doesn't seem to attract shit ... not too heavy and lubricates well ... now if I could only find somewhere to get it from.
I have heard of mountain bikers using Chain saw grease/lube on their chains ... If you think about it ... it makes perfect sense. Chainsaws are cutting up mafia ganstas/trees/animals/zombies ... all which have lots of sticky and icky bits, the lube is designed to have the right viscous properties to work when there is lots of foreign objects in it ... similarly with mountain bikes you need to have ur chain running smooth while there is lots of mud and grit in it ... makes sense no?