Sorry

I'm sorry for going for a poo at a girl's house (she lived with her parents)
and I wouldn't have gone but I was desperate,
and finding something in my bum that felt all weird,
and grabbing it with loo roll and pulling it,
and pulling it,
and realising it was something so long that it felt like it was coming from a point behind my eyeball,
and me thinking it was a huge tapeworm,
and I started retching and gipping as I hauled this long thing from out of my bum,
and holding it up,
and realising it was a massive long piece of shit streaked onion,
a piece of onion that had no right being so long,
a piece of onion that was so long I couldn't have possibly swallowed it,
a piece of onion that refused to flush away down the fucking toilet,
even after three flushes,
and I couldn't flush any more,
because the whole house had heard three flushes,
and they new I must have done a great big stubborn gigantic shit,
that wouldn't go away,
so I had to pick out the floaty onion from the bog,
and slung it in the cistern.
Sorry.

Dear lord...
Im EATING over here... Almost spat my food out and rech'd...
Thank Lucifer...