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@eggpie
This is a ball joint puller:
With some creativity, and the right sized tool, you can squeeze the jaws on the right around the axle, between the crank and the frame, so it pulls on the crank arm, then use a very large wrench/cheater bar/friend to tighten the screw against the axle like any other crank tool (making sure its not pressing against the crank arm in any way...) Its just like a regular crank tool, but hooks the crank from behind instead of pulling on the threads. I didnt promise it would be easy..of course, if its alloy cranks on a steel axle, you can always experiment with the idea that aluminium expands more than steel when (gently) heated...
(Theyre campy cranks, right? Not TA or Stronglight? Its not the Reverse thread C-record era stuff?)
If the stem is alloy, embrace that caustic soda. Its not scary, it just removes flesh. If its steel, embrace the hacksaw. Also good for removing flesh.