This week's fixtures & results League II (winter 2009/2010)

Cosmic³ vs. Los Coños

An eagerly anticipated fixture found the polo masses huddled round London’s famous Newington court 2.
Los Coños are the crowd's favourites due to a combination of local pride and the allure of the underdog, but Cosmic³ are playing well this season, and Los Coños will need to be at their very best if they're to get anything out of this fixture...

Game 1
Todd is first to the ball, but nothing spectacular comes of it, and the two teams warily feel their respective ways into the game. Both teams are finding the conditions treacherous, with Newington's usually slippery-when-wet surface being compounded by a smattering of fallen leaves that remain after the efforts of many to clear the courts beforehand.

Cosmic³ have the best of the early exchanges, but Los Coños have a few good attacks, and it looks like there may be a few spaces for them to explore. Los Coños are bossing the defence, Hops is looking unflappable in goal, and just to make sure Cosmic³ don't get too cocky Jo (gently) kills Todd in the face with a swinging mallet. Cosmic³ press hard, but the ball comes loose, and Jo seizes on it to put Los Coños 1-0 up after 5m minutes, followed a minute and a half later by Ali taking it to the kitchen.
The slippy slidy ice world that is Newington is causing a lot of problems for Cosmic³, who don't seem to be able to play their usual high speed game. Matt in particular is sliding all over the shop, including a worm's eye view of Hops' sprocket as he slides across the tarmac following a meeting with the brick-wall defence that is Ali, but he recovers minutes later to slip one through Hops' BB.
Jo takes it upfield, but can only get as far as the breakfast bar, but the crowd's approving roars are for Ali, who deftly blocks out Matt with an awesome skid.10 minutes have gone, and Cosmic³ are trailing. Matt fires up the troops "Come on, we can do this!", and as Ali dabs out, Matt goes 1-on-1 with Hops, who keeps out the shot, but can't prevent Tom putting in the rebound.
As both teams press for what could be the winner, Matt takes revenge on Ali, squeezing her out against the fence, but as the game clock passes into Golden Goal territory, it's Ali's turn to get over-enthusiastic, and she gets sent tapping after boning Tom. Matt's getting fired up, and his mallet wrestling is sending Los Coños' mallets to all corners of the court - he looks pumped, and many would do well to heed Bill's sage advice: "Never trust an angry hippy!"
Cosmic³ just can't find a way through though, and Los Coños are looking dangerous on the break, but suddenly, in a move that one can only subscribe to shady Middle-Eastern betting syndicates, Hops dabs, and Matt rounds a stranded Ali to score.

Cosmic³ 3 - 2 Los Coños
0-1, Jo, 5m14s
0-2, Ali, 6m34s
1-2, Matt, 10m15s
2-2, Tom, 12m20s
3-2, Matt, Golden Goal (dunno the time, but it must've been close to 20m)

Game 2
A long break as Cosmic³ huddle up and talk tactics. It clearly works, as straight from the joust, Todd nicks the ball up to the top left, before cutting back across goal and finding Hops' BB! Mere seconds gone, and it's 1-0.
Cosmic³ are running the show now, and a minute later, Matt makes it 2-0. The commentary team would have been able to give a more polished description, had they not been ignoring the game and talking about someone getting a wotsit in the unmentionables...

Following the adoption of a more focussed approach, and the scrawling of DON'T MENTION THIS on my notes, we turn our attention back to the game, where Tom is clearly reneging on his pre-match chat about spending more time in goal, as he strikes twice in a minute, one of which being a sublime touch whilst reaching across his bike.
Less than 5 minutes gone, and it looks like Cosmic³ might wrap this one up, but Ali keeps them in check, making it 4-1, before Todd rounds out the game, driving solidly up the middle and holding off Ali.

Cosmic³ 5 - 1 Los Coños
1-0, Todd, 9s
2-0, Matt, 1m18s
3-0, Tom, 4m00s
4-0, Tom, 4m50s
4-1, Ali, 5m25s
5-1, Todd, 6m35s

Game 3
Cosmic³ are looking for the clean sweep, and Tom's fast out of the blocks. He winds one up, swings... and scuffs it. Cosmic³ regroup, and it falls to Tom again, but this time his mallet finds nothing but air. Back to your goal-tending duties Tom! He's clearly not the same without his beard...
Tom heads back to the kitchen, and Todd breaks out. His first effort is blocked, but he collects the rebound, circles, then slots it home. It looked like a wheely goal, but hit behind him, and under his back wheel as he pulled a stoppy!
Half a minute later, and Todd cleverly distracts Los Coños by rolling around on the floor. Ali loses track of the ball, and Matt swoops to score like a big blue vulture, before circling like a condor and finding the 5-hole again. Finally breaking with the raptor theme (what a carrion, eh?) Matt goes for a wheely, but his shot is blocked. Luck deserts him again, as he finds the goal, but only via a shuffle...
Cosmic³ have really bossed the second and third games, and Los Coños are starting to look pinker in the face than they do in their smart new t-shirts. Matt is winning the battle of the block, and sets up Tom, but Hops keeps it out via an alarmed squawk. Matt takes it to the by-line, and Tom takes up position a couple of yards out. "Drop it! Drop it!" Matt drops it, and Tom doesn't miss from there, shaven or not.
Cosmic³ win the ball back from the restart, and Todd wraps things up, sneaking one in at the near post via Hops' front disc.

Cosmic³ 5 - 0 Los Coños
1-0, Todd, 1m34s
2-0, Matt, 1m58s
3-0, Matt, 2m50s
4-0, Tom, 6m10s
5-0, Todd, 6m53s

Cosmic³ win the fixture 3-0, and everyone gathers round for hugs...