Classic Viz

I often receive bills saying 'final demand'. But it never is. If
anything they start asking me for more money.

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School An@l that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.

According to Nietzsche, "That which does not kill me makes me stronger". I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.

Pepperami claims to be "a bit of an animal". I'm sure it is, but which bit exactly?
My money's on a baboon's cock. And after tasting their hot, spicy one, I can see why they've all got bright red arses

To give herself more street cred, Jennifer Lopez took the first letter of her first name, and the first syllable of her second name and rebranded herself as the more urban 'J-Lo'. I can think why Pete Doherty hasnt done the same.

It's a shame Fred West is dead. He would have made a cracking Mungo Jerry on 'Stars In Your Eyes'

I have recently started to masturbate whilst fantasising about Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am ***, straight or a paedophile. What do your readers think?

According to the BBC website, 'cocaine users are getting younger'. I have always avoided illegal narcotics but now I've found out that they actually reverse the ageing process I'm going to give them a bash.

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.

If Carol Vorderman is so good at maths, when is she going to realise a size 14 body doesn't go into a size 8 dress?

The other day when boarding a number 83 bus, i noticed that the driver was a woman. Now Im all for interesting sociological experiments, but I draw the line at risking peoples lives. Come on London transport, get your priorities straight.

The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions.
For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score place our national champ in the world league table?

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.

"I recently attended a bull fight during a holiday in Spain. I went in with an open mind, but I can honestly say that I have never been so appalled and upset by an event in all my life. It cost £8 to get in, a can of coke was another £1.50, and I was sat so far at the back that I couldn't see the cows getting stabbed."

'You don't have to be a pilot to fly in the RAF' claims the advert. Imagine my confusion as I was led away in handcuffs from one of their planes.

I heard Welsh sportsman Joe Calzaghe on the radio recently, launching an anti-bullying campaign. Imagine my horror when I saw him later on TV repeatedly punching a man abpout the head and body

I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some sticks.
Stan Herschel