Daily Mail in cycling shocker!

I hope he develops a nut allergy in the middle of eating a peanut butter sandwich

I hope next time he goes shopping the cashier leaves a security tag on his purchase and the alarm goes off as he leaves the store and everyone stops what they're doing, turn and looks at him.

I hope he goes for a wee and nothing comes out

I hope next time he's using a crowded public toilet he strains a little too hard trying to start peeing and lets rip a loud fart.

I hope next time he goes shopping the cashier leaves a security tag on his purchase and the alarm goes off as he leaves the store and everyone stops what they're doing, turn and looks at him.

...and someone says..."Oh, aren't you Anthony Warrell-Thomson.... oh, no you're not, you're nobody.

I hope one of his expensive cufflinks falls off whilst using a portaloo and he has to reach in to retrieve it.

I hope he incorrectly guesses which one is regular butter and which is I Can't Believe It's Not Butter

I hope next time he's driving in London he's so busy looking out for cyclist that he accidently kerbs an expensive alloy while parking.

Following publication of an article in the Sunday Mail in September 2009, it was unanimously decided by the general public that James Martin was a fat fat cunt, with an overriding insecurity about his very small penis, who looks like Jabba the hut whenever he attempts a faux smile thanks to his triple chins.

He'll be a lot happier when he comes out of the closet- I think it's the ultra-Alpha male trip that he is currently on that is making him appear even more hateful than his earlier incarnations.

I hope he sits down to watch no country for old men only to find Gigli in the DVD player, and the remote smashed to bits on the floor.

I hope he visits a public toilet but cannot go because there are already men in there.

I hope he gets involved in an experiment with matter transporters but a fly gets inside with him and when he comes out the other end his head is on a flys body and his body has a big fly head on it.

I hope burglar shooting farmer Tony Martin and actor Martin Clunes both renounce the use of the name 'Martin' until such time as the fat cunt faced chef James Martin apologises publicly.....*

*and Pinemartins refuse to answer to the name also

I hope someone damages the cutlery at his restaurant and he has to go to a shop and ask for four candles.

I hope he attends a beginners clog dancing workshop in inappropriate footwear and someone treads on his toe.

Article has been edited to remove the "hedge incident"

All the 'God, I hate those cyclists.' stuff is still there.

All the 'God, I hate those cyclists.' stuff is still there.

Without that there is nothing of James Martins personallity- the point of the article being written by him.

Anybody with any knowledge of cars could have written the driving experience and technical info about the Tesla in five minutes.

I hope he commissions a photo realist self portrait to massage his ego and the end result is this.

I hope he gets to his car, only to realise that actually he's left the keys in HIS GIGOLO'S ARSE.

I hope some cutlery in his restaurant gets damaged and he has to go to the shop to ask for four candles.

I hope he leaves the top off his toothpaste and the end dries up

I hope he buys a Tesla and finds he needs to do a 212mile journey

I hope he comes to post a witty rejoinder in this thread only to find that it is a repost

I hope after a year of dealing with cowboy builders and disruption from work on the extention/garage hes having built the council planners come and inspect the work and say that the garage is larger than the one that he was originally granted permission for and he has to tear it all down.