How do you get over someone you still love?

HTFU.
don't make somebody else responsible for your own happiness.
don't invest emotional energy in somebody who doesn't feel the same way about you.
stop contacting her, it's something she doesn''t want you to do right now (and you are not getting the message)
it's just your primal urges wanting to restore the status quo and demanding what it once had.
ignore that and get rational. drink isn't going to help you do that.

Do try to keep smiling Mr.Buddha..

It may not be what your sponsor wants you to do but in your position I'd try to keep my mind off what's going on which also doubles up as giving the girl some space too.. Do something with your friends (that counts internet friends too) or family members..

I may not be old enough or have spent enough time with one person to feel exactly what you're feeling now but I've certainly experienced the helplessness and for me that's the worst thing.

Get to London, have a ride in the sun with some like-minded people and for once we won't go for beers.

Be well.

• what do non alcoholic people do? -
  
  

When it really hurts this is good advice...

Ride.
... do it 'til it hurts.

The rest of the time... this is excellent advice...

just try and take care of your self for awhile, you never know what's going to happen in the future.

You know this...

• I think I am just going to keep reading this thread - lead as healthy an active life as the pain will allow me - maybe one day I can revist this thread with some good news -
  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIhNKMXP720

Unfortunately there's no easy route through this kind of thing. There aren't always answers to be had (or there weren't in my case anyway), and accepting that was the toughest thing for me when I was in a similar situation. It also proved to be very liberating.

As for the drink/drugs, if they didn't work for you before they won't work for you now. Don't let it slide. And don't give in to hate. (Fuck, I've gone all Obi Wan on you!)

Good luck dude

I agree with people's comments about taking up a new hobby. I remember me and a long term girlfriend broke up on a Sunday, and the very next Monday I signed up for a yoga class and went every week for ages.

Meditation is great too, plus the women in the classes will be a welcome distraction.

I'm surprised (and disappointed) at how many people have suggested casual sex as a solution. It won't solve a damned thing - simple psychology says sex was an emotional element of your relationship, so doing that and experiencing a total absence of emotion will send you over the edge.

In answer to your question though, you don't get over someone. You will think about them every day for the rest of your life. The pain will lessen over time, but they'll still be there in your thoughts. Just allow the experience to become a part of who you are.

Don't stop believing in love and don't lose your humanity. What she's done will hurt you, but understand she's only doing what she believes is right in the long term, and is doubtless hurting too.

Sorry to hear of this Buddha. These things are always traumatic and painful.

My recommendation for a short term boost would be to get on your bike and head out into the countryside. There is nothing like a bike ride on a beautiful morning to illuminate the soul a little.

I'm surprised (and disappointed) at how many people have suggested casual sex as a solution. It won't solve a damned thing - simple psychology says sex was an emotional element of your relationship, so doing that and experiencing a total absence of emotion will send you over the edge.

Not my experience, the end of a relationship means different things to different people, if you are left feeling inadequate or unattractive a little adventure with a red hot lover can be really helpful....and it certainly takes your mind off negative thoughts and may lead to a relationship better than that you lost.....I'd love to read this "Simple Psychology" which you quote / wrote / made up.

I would seriously consider whether airing your misery on a public forum is a good idea and whether it may be something you'll regret later.....I mean this in good faith.

I would seriously consider whether airing your misery on a public forum is a good idea and whether it may be something you'll regret later.....I mean this in good faith.

So far it has been very positive; I suppose a problem aired is a problem shared. Of course I lay myself open comments of HTFU but actually in the last twelve hours since I posted that is exactly what has began to happen. I got a lot support last night from a lot of people and some even from people I have barely spoken to before. Perhaps in the future someone my use this thread as a source of ridicule but I am perfectly capable of looking after myself in that context. The bottom is that last night I was struggling and today I am coping and that is an improvement.

Now I am going to go for a bike ride.

Buddha x

Not my experience, the end of a relationship means different things to different people, if you are left feeling inadequate or unattractive a little adventure with a red hot lover can be really helpful....and it certainly takes your mind off negative thoughts and may lead to a relationship better than that you lost.....I'd love to read this "Simple Psychology" which you quote / wrote / made up.

I would seriously consider whether airing your misery on a public forum is a good idea and whether it may be something you'll regret later.....I mean this in good faith.

I was advised by a female friend to go out and get laid (this friend was neither my ex or any of the people I ended up enjoying one-night-stands with).

The ultimate upshot, a few encounters down the line - I had the most amazing night of my life (sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll, the whole caboodle)... and I'm still with that woman nearly 16 years later, and we've ended up with a beautiful son too.

And I stopped thinking about my ex a loooooooong time ago.

The bottom is that last night I was struggling and today I am coping and that is an improvement.

I read somewhere that as a rule of thumb, it takes about half as long a a relationship lasts to get over it. YMMV, but. [edit - that reads more glibly than I meant. What I mean is that you're on a path and it's great that you've come to terms with being on that path]

Now is an excellent time to get round to those things that you want to do but have been putting off. At worst, it'll keep your mind off the past, and at best you'll really enjoy doing stuff that you like doing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hfl9e53LX_U

This was mentioned above.

hmmm. like most people here I have had my fair share of heartache and there is nothing quite as difficult to deal with I don't think. i don't want to sound trite but my heart really does go out to you.

i reckon Mr. Smith's 'get rational' is probably the best advice I've heard. It's pretty much the same as what everyone is saying. think logically about it and do what your brain tells you, regardless of how your heart feels. it sounds like not contacting her would be a good start! Just get through it bit by bit and eventually it will come good. I was always skeptical about the 'time is a healer' standard response, but i know it's the only way to really move on. in the meantime, do what you have to to get by and have some fucking fun (whatever that might be).

hmmm. like most people here I have had my fair share of heartache and there is nothing quite as difficult to deal with I don't think. i don't want to sound trite but my heart really does go out to you.

i reckon Mr. Smith's 'get rational' is probably the best advice I've heard. It's pretty much the same as what everyone is saying. think logically about it and do what your brain tells you, regardless of how your heart feels. it sounds like not contacting her would be a good start! Just get through it bit by bit and eventually it will come good. I was always skeptical about the 'time is a healer' standard response, but i know it's the only way to really move on. in the meantime, do what you have to to get by and have some fucking fun (whatever that might be).

• a lot.
  

Spend time with the other things/people in your life that you love, friends family, nature, animals. Just so you can remind yourself, that there are a whole load of other things out there that are just as important to you, and can make you just as happy :)

Best to keep as busy as possible.

& keep riding your bike - tire yourself out.

Not my experience, the end of a relationship means different things to different people, if you are left feeling inadequate or unattractive a little adventure with a red hot lover can be really helpful....and it certainly takes your mind off negative thoughts and may lead to a relationship better than that you lost.....I'd love to read this "Simple Psychology" which you quote / wrote / made up.

Not to mention the fact that casual sex is an unconscious act of domination. It may not appear that way at the time, but thinking about it, what better way to exert control in a time when you have little?

this is maybe dubious advice, but i found this quite helpful. i did this until i decided i didn't need to do it any more, and somedays it helped me get through the day:

lock yourself in your room and wallow. let yourself get lost in your sadness. put on stupid love songs and feel completely shit. let your soul crumble while you think about all the silly dreams that won't come true. cry your heart out; let yourself really really blubber. do it for as long as you need -- five minutes, 30 minutes, an hour -- then stop. wipe your tears. turn the music off. that's it. that's your wallowing time for the day. next time you can wallow is tomorrow, same time, same place.

then leave your room and get on with your life.

Not to mention the fact that casual sex is an unconscious act of domination. It may not appear that way at the time, but thinking about it, what better way to exert control in a time when you have little?

Can it also be an unconscious act of submission? I've not always been the one to initiate things...

when i saw the question what do non alcoholics do i thought i would be able to answer as i dont drink and never have. however its more difficult than i first thought it would be because having never been drunk i dont know any different. i personally just try keep myself busy as many people here have advised you to do already. sorry i cant offer you a more intricate reply. i found talking to close friends about the situation helped assuming they are intelligent enough to offer support rather than mockery which happened once...
i ended my relationship tonight, after 16 months. my situation in no way compares to yours, but i will be shedding a tear or two as well. if your in london anytime soon PM me we could go for a ride lol
find it brave of you to express yourself like that on a public forum such as this one. glad people have been supportive too, not always the case.
in any case best of luck with it all.

this is maybe dubious advice, but i found this quite helpful. i did this until i decided i didn't need to do it any more, and somedays it helped me get through the day:

lock yourself in your room and wallow. let yourself get lost in your sadness. put on stupid love songs and feel completely shit. let your soul crumble while you think about all the silly dreams that won't come true. cry your heart out; let yourself really really blubber. do it for as long as you need -- five minutes, 30 minutes, an hour -- then stop. wipe your tears. turn the music off. that's it. that's your wallowing time for the day. next time you can wallow is tomorrow, same time, same place.

then leave your room and get on with your life.

^ Great advice. I'd add buying a punchbag and some gloves & then tear into the fucker as hard as you possibly can for as long as you possibly can every day. Get all of those negative thoughts and pent up aggression out on something inanimate.

Can it also be an unconscious act of submission? I've not always been the one to initiate things...

I didn't think of that, but yeah - that works too.

Been here before. Somewhere down the line after the pain bit is out of the way you'll realise that she was not obviously the 'one' for you and the person you should be with is out there. Its just a time thing before you bump into one another. Never regret the time you had with your old girlfriend though (thats would be daft cus you can do sod all about it) and just look forward to new and exciting things coming your way soon!

Not to mention the fact that casual sex is an unconscious act of domination. It may not appear that way at the time, but thinking about it, what better way to exert control in a time when you have little?

In your mind maybe.....