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@deleted
HA! I can related to a worrying amount of your story.
My flatmate, also called Ed, has drunkenly borrowed at least 2 of my bikes and subsequently crashed them. I'm a full 6 inches taller than him so i dunno how he managed to ride them at all. And he didn't ask permission once. Luckily the damage was always more severe to him than to my bikes, but if he'd mashed up my forks I would have full on punched him in the head. After waiting for him to heal fully from any injuries sustained in the crash.