Watch out for those slippery lines on the roads

antman, if people followed your advice, we would unfortunately be set back quite a number of years. If you want to get up to speed, search here on the forum for 'National Standard for cycle training' or 'Bikeability', or Google more generally. The CTUK site is also a good place to look: http://www.cycletraining.co.uk/

You've clearly got the right idea in a couple of places, but you're very far off in others, e.g. here:

-Never make eye contact with: police officers, anyone 'official' looking, anyone in hi-viz...fk it don't make eye contact with anyone (except if you need to intimidate a motorist, of course).

Tongue-in-cheek or not, this is 100% wrong.

-Keep your wits about you. It REALLY IS dangerous out there, wherever you are.

This makes it quite absurd for you to advise that:

-Get a bike.

-Ride it often.

Why on Earth would anyone do this is if it's so dangerous? It's simple common sense not to do dangerous things. The truth is that cycling is a low-risk activity that still requires some skills.

It does look as if cycle training would be a good idea for you, as it would lead you to a more realistic risk assessment.

30 years on bikes, the last 15 minus a car, mostly city riding. Still here to tell the tale. Never needed any 'trainer' to tell me how to ride a bloody bicycle. It ain't rocket science, as they say.

Time spent does not necessarily amount to the decisive experience required to re-invent the wheel. A lot of work has been done on this issue in recent years of which you're unaware, and that of course is entirely a good thing, as it addresses all your concerns.

But it's also clear to me where your point of view comes from. You grew up around cycling proficiency. While still looked back on misty-eyed by many people, it probably served to put a multiple of times as many people off cycling as it got into cycling, precisely because of this:

I can picture the scene in the 'training' school. "Right everyone, place the helmet on your head, and here's how we tie the strap.......now everyone unfold your hi-viz vests......."
Cycling proficiency has always been intimately tied to the UK's 'Road Safety' culture, one of whose aims has been to put people off cycling and walking. Let me reassure you that cycle training of the modern variety works in exactly the opposite way (e.g., no helmet compulsion, mostly no hi-viz, with a positive message saying that 'you can ride'), and I can assure you that you'd learn a lot. Every cyclist, no matter how experienced, will benefit from it. It's not rocket science, but that still doesn't stop people from getting elementary things wrong, like your advice above not to make eye contact. FYI you could also read 'Cyclecraft' by John Franklin--essential reading. Have fun!