Nicked bike story

The biggest problem is that the Police will not or cannot investigate bike theft but if you twatted the toerag they would certainly have you for assault. Once you phoned the Police to ask them for help, they have you. Smack him and they will prosecute. The evidence against you is clear.

well then, you smack him without telling the police first.

kind of a sensible precaution before committing a crime, I'd say