Tell me a joke. Earn +ve rep

The Pope is on a trip and word gets round he wants to make a low-key visit to a normal, even humble, parish for Sunday lunch with the priest. The priest in question gets word from the Archbishop that the Pope will be visiting his rectory around 1pm. The priest is excused his mass duties and the Archbishop asks him and his housekeeper to make sure they prepare a nice meal. Other than the archbishop, though, noone else will be invited.

So the priest of course is very excited and talks over ideas for a meal with the housekeeper. In the end they decide that the priest, who's a keen fisherman, should go out fishing on the Sunday morning and catch something to cook for the lunch, so that it's as fresh and tasty as possible.

The priest goes out way before dawn on the Sunday morning and fishes for eight hours straight. He finally lands what he was waiting for and rushes back to the rectory. The housekeeper greets him and asks him what he's caught.

"I've caught the tastiest fish I've ever tasted, Mary!" the priest says. "It's a superb example too."
He slaps the fish down onto the kitchen counter and the housekeeper looks it over. "What's this kind of fish called then, father?"

"Mary - it's a Phuckar", says the priest. Mary grips the counter to steady herself. "A..a what?" she says. "A Phuckar", says the priest, happily. "They're a very rare fish round here, it'll be a great dish for the pope. We need to fillet it properly and season it, then we need to baste it, and it'll taste just right."

So the priest fillets the fish and Mary starts to prepare it carefully with the seasoning the priest advises. She's just finished doing this when the archbishop arrives.

"Need any help?" the Archbish says. Then he sees the fish. "Wow, that's a fantastic looking fish."

"It certainly is, your grace" says Mary. "It's a really nice phuckar. Father caught it, and I've just seasoned it." The Archbishop has blanched and small beads of sweat are forming on his brow. "Errr.. what's that you say Mary..?" he stutters.

"Oh, no, don't worry your Grace," Mary says happily, "this fish is called a Phuckar, very rare round here and the tastiest fish Father has ever tasted. And all it needs now is to be basted in a dish, nice and slowly - would you like to help your Grace?"

So the Archbishop helps getting the fish into a nice big dish and then prepares it for basting.

The whole dinner is cooked and ready. The Pope arrives with minimum security and is ushered into the small dining room. The Pope, The Archbishop, The Priest and Mary the Housekeeper all sit down to the soup starter, and it's eaten with a nice red and polite parish talk. Then Mary brings in the fish.

"Ooh," says the Pope, interested. "That looks nice - how's it been prepared?"

The priest says modestly, "Well your Holiness - at dawn I went to the river and I caught this phuckar".

"And you filleted it too," says Mary, proudly. "You filleted the phuckar and I seasoned the phuckar".

The Archbishop says, "And finally I arrived your Holiness, and I basted the phuckar."

And the Pope leans back in his chair, takes a long slug on his red wine and says, "You know what? YOU CUNTS ARE ALRIGHT."

i can't be fucked to read that!!!

i'm too fucked to read that!!!

try tomorrow, it's a corker..

Whats red and has lots of cobwebs?

Madeleine McCann's bike.

why are there no ashtrays in barrymoores house?

He puts all of his fags out in the pool!

What's black and White and red all over?

A pit of nuns you just finished machine gunning!

robin your avatar seems to be telling those jokes..

"Doctor doctor, I've got five dicks."
"What do you do about underpants?"
"Oh, usually they fit like a glove."

what do the films titanic and sixth sense have in common?

i-see dead people

Enid and Fred are both residents in the same old folk's home and have become friends over afternoon tea dances.One day while dancing Enid remarks that she hasn't had sex since the death of her husband 15 years before. Fred volunteers that his sexlife has also been somewhat arid since the death of his wife 10 years previously. One thing leads to another and Enid invites Fred to her room. While disrobing Enid says "before we go any further I think I ought to tell you that I have acute angina", Fred responds "well that's lucky 'cos you've got 'orrible tits.

In a pub....a piece of the M25 is talking to a piece of the M1....each were saying they were tougher and harder than the other......all of a sudden...a piece of green tarmac enters the pub...the piece of M25 and M1 hide under a table. The green tarmac walks up to the bar and orders a pint and a packet of peanuts.......drinks up, finishes the peanuts and leaves the pub. The piece of M25 and M1 climb out from under the table and sit down again. the barman says.......'thought you two were hard and tough...why did you hide?'.......they replied 'did you see who it was? He is a cycle-path!'

A fish is swimming along and hits its head on a wall..... 'dam'.'

Not wishing to be accused of not correctly filling on the right (albeit old) thread... from Popbitch today...

Q: What's the difference between Madeleine McCann
and the Icelandic volcano?

A: Maddie only ruined one holiday.

MESSIAH!

This is a visual joke you can tell in restaurants, on trains etc.

Q: How does a blonde eat a banana?

A: (Laboriously mime peeling the skin off an imagined banana strip by strip, then place banana in front of mouth, place other hand on back of head and bounce head up and down on banana whilst making loud gagging noises.)

classy!

one i stole off skully's charlie brooker link from the general election thread earlier but it's been making me giggle all day:

• how do you titilate an occelott?

• oscilate it's tit a lot

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Cos he kneaded a poo.

What do you call a cheese that doesn't belong to you?
Nacho Cheese.

What cheese would you use to entice a bear out of the woods?
Camembert.

What cheese would you use to hide a small horse?
Marscarpone.

What is brown and sticky?

A Stick.

What Is brown and runny?

Kelly Holmes.

Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines

Punter: Waiter waiter. There's volcanic ash in my soup!

Waiter: That's quite all right sir, this is a no fly zone...

What do you call a man under a pile of leaves?

Russel.

Why does Noddy wear a hat with a bell on it?

Because he's a CUNT

What type of bees make milk?

Boobies

Everyone laughed at me when I said I was going into comdey...

...well they're not laughing now.