Tell me a joke. Earn +ve rep

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town. "Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?" he enquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken aback and replies, "Excuse me sir but could you refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can".

The manager comes over and the bloke asks "Are you the chicken-fucking manager of this bastard place?."
"Yes sir, I am" replies the manager, "but I would prefer if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

"Fuck off" replies the bloke "and where's the fucking piano?"
"Pardon? says the manager.
"Fucking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of shit, show me your cunting piano".
"Ah", replies the manager, you've come about the pianist job" and shows
the bloke to the piano.
"Can you play any blues"

"Of course I fucking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
"That's superb. What's it called?"
"I tried to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my dick," replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz.
The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
"Magnificent," cries the manager. "What's it called?"
"I wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard.
"And what's this called?" asks the manager.
"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring piece," replies the bloke. The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night sitting opposite the pianist, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out of her black lace bra, the skimpy little "G" string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter dribbles down her chin.

The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to furiously pat the cheetah.

He's tugging away fevourishly when he hears the managers voice.
"Where's that bastard pianist?"

He has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.

The blond steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over, boobs in his face and whispers in his ear "Do you know you knob and your bollocks are hanging out of your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?"

The bloke replies "Know it?

I fucking wrote it"

or "no but if you hum it i'll pick it out as we go along."

What's pink and smells of pork?

Kermit's bellend.

That's some echo you've got there nimhbus, all the way from last April ;-)
http://www.londonfgss.com/thread2551-2.html

well, it's been around a while. i wasn't a forum member last april though, i heard it elsewhere

no worries

bonzer

A man goes for a prostrate examination, and the doctor, fingers deep, feels a bit deeper, pauses, and tells the man. 'I'm afraid you'll have to stop masturbating sir'

The man turns his head, worried, and says, 'Oh my God! whats wrong?'

The doctor Says 'we'll I'm trying to examine you, and it's really quite disturbing'

why does barbie never get pregnant?

because ken always comes in a different box.

Why do anarchists always drink herbal tea?

Cos proper tea is theft

A salesman rings the doorbell of a house in a quiet cul de sac.
Little Jimmy opens the door wearing his mothers lingerie, high heels, smoking his father's cuban cigar and drinking a glass of brandy.
The salesman asks,
"Hello there son, is your mummy or daddy home?"
To which Jimmy replies,
"Does it fucking look like it?!"

Blind guy wanders into a women-only bar. He sits at the bar and orders a drink. The women are pretty friendly to him.

After a couple of drinks he says, "Hey, let me tell you this great blonde joke".

The barwoman leans over the counter and says, "Okay pal, you tell it. But before you do I'm just going to let you know that the woman on your right is a blonde, the woman to your left is a blonde, the two female bouncers standing behind you are blondes and I'm a blonde."

The blind guy says, "Ah forget it then, I don't want to explain the punchline five times."

A nun is about to take a bath when someone knocks on the door

Who is it?

It's me, the blind man.

oh well she thinks, that's OK, and opens the door

Right he says, where do want this blind hung? Nice tits by the way, sister.

Two nuns on a train. Flasher comes into their carriage and flashes them.

One of them has a heart attack; the other has a stroke.

Two Nuns in the bath. One turns to the other, saying "Where's the soap?" to which the other replies "Yes, it does rather".

A nun and her friend are backpacking through Transylvania. Dracula appears in front of them.

The friend panics: "Quick Sister Mary, show him your cross, show him your cross."

"Fuck of out of it Fangs or I'll smash yer face in."

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have - meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here ..."

classic steez Aidan :D

From the other joke thread....that I meant to post here.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=A3CzptgIvcU

f'ckin quality Jol!
Can't beat a bit of Messiah!

"to every crew in every corner" HA! :D

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

then there was that buddhist chap who insisted on having his root canal done without anaesthetic...

...apparently he wanted to transcend dental medication

From the other joke thread....that I meant to post here.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=A3CzptgIvcU

best bit about that is that at about 1:33 the woman in green pushes a fat man over so he falls on another fat man.

• Waiter! What is this fly doing in my soup?
  
• I'll tell you what he's doing - He's contaminating my semen.