Tell me a joke. Earn +ve rep

i need a brilliant joke i've not heard before. Positive rep to anyone fulfilling both criteria.

Dance naked like a pig for me and earn rep.

as told to me by a 5 year old:
Why did suzie fall of the swing?
She had no arms.

tynan you never gave me rep the last time so i shall not be doing it this time. :P

Girl at work said to me "Do you fancy entering a marathon?"

I said "Fuck off, no way!"

She said "Oh go on, it's for spastics and blind kids."

I thought "Fuck it, I could win that!"

me: "Have you heard about that hollywood actress that got stabbed yesterday? Reese...Reese someone or other"
her: "Witherspoon?"
me: "No, with a knife of course."

Why wasn't Jesus born in Italy?

Actually that's a bit harsh. Fuck it.

Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

The olympic torch relay is finally coming to an end, as the opening ceremony in Beijing approaches...

After they've blown the flame out, Heather Mills wants to know can she now have her leg back.

After taking a car full of kids to accident and emergency with embedded glass and cuts to their foreheads....

I've decided to stop counting how many spastics it takes to change a lightbulb.

and lastly...

A 13 year old Austrian girl wrote to the advice column of a Teenager's magazine.

I am 13 years old and am the only girl in my class who's still a virgin, is my Dad queer?

Seamus O' Malley wanted some landscape gardening work doing, including the removal of a large tree overhsadowing his house, so he calls up a local firm.

Two hours later they arrive and Seamus opens the door to greet them,

"We're Padraig and Diarmuid, the tree fellers"

Seamus looks unimpressed and says

"But thars only two of yers !"'

What's the biggest cause of paedophilia in the UK?

Sexy children.

A woman brings eight-year old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them...they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother.

"He's taken her fucking appendix out."

An old lady goes to the doctors. When the doctor asks what is wrong she says, "doc, can you help me? I can't stop farting! Every minute another one slips out. The only good thing is that they are silent and have no smell."
The doc hands her some pills and tells her to take 3 a day for 2 weeks then come back.

After the 2 weeks she returns and says, "doc, I dont know what you gave me but it hasn't stopped me farting, the only thing it's done is made them smell."

The doc replies, "well, now we have your sinuses clear, let's sort out your hearing."

News from Mac rumors:

Reports suggest apple are soon to be bringing out a new music player designed specifically for children. The new device will be similar to a standard iTouch, but will be brightly coloured, more robust and have a more simple user interface.

Early reports suggest the device will be called the iTouch Kids.

Michael Jackson has been linked to a possible sponsorship deal

http://www.apple.com/itouchkids/

already joke thread ;)
http://www.londonfgss.com/thread2551.html

can't beat my donkey one!!

Well I'll post it there too.

What's pink and covered in cobwebs?

Madeline McCanns bike.

What do 9 out 0f 10 people enjoy?

Gang rape.

What is the worst thing about gang rape?

Waiting your turn.

Platini...that jokes brilliant! :D

An old lady goes to the doctors. When the doctor asks what is wrong she says, "doc, can you help me? I can't stop farting! Every minute another one slips out. The only good thing is that they are silent and have no smell."
The doc hands her some pills and tells her to take 3 a day for 2 weeks then come back.

After the 2 weeks she returns and says, "doc, I dont know what you gave me but it hasn't stopped me farting, the only thing it's done is made them smell."

The doc replies, "well, now we have your sinuses clear, let's sort out your hearing."

very good.

Slowly, passionately our lips met. Then she crossed her legs and broke my glasses.

Platini...that jokes brilliant! :D

Thanks - and it's (relatively) clean too...

bear walks into a bar, and says, "I would like a.......................beer."

The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"