Help me choose

which one is best, go on, have an argument, diss some and rav some up, have an argument, just let me sit back and pick out the surviving bikes.

all the possible dissing, arguing, raving up etc.

Has already occured. There is even a purpose made 'off the peg' bikes sticky, and many many comparison threads with heaps of advice.

At the end of the day, they are bikes that will do the job fine.

Go pick one you like the look of, like the ride of and can afford. They are all specced very simarlary so theres not much to compare other than ride. So go do it!
And theres nothing particularly "designer" about kona ( I would say the opposit in fact), and nothin "mental" about charge bikes.

I dont really see what your getting at, but you seem way too excited.