How to talk to non-cyclists

From BikeRadar.com

The fact that you are reading this tells me all I really need to know about you. You're a cyclist. I'm a cyclist. We therefore both know what's really important in life (riding). We see the world as it truly is (a place to ride our bikes). If we were each to answer the question, "What would you do with a million dollars?" our answers would vary perhaps in what equipment we'd buy and where we'd go to ride, but in little else.

If we were to have a conversation, we'd have an understanding of how each other thinks. Maybe you're a Cat 2 roadie and maybe I'm a cross-country endurance geek, but we both know that turning the cranks in a perfect circle is the ultimate form of self-expression.

Sadly, not everyone is like you and I. I am sad to say that there are people out there who rarely - if ever! - ride bikes at all. It's possible you even know someone like this. A coworker. A family member. You'd be surprised at how common non-cyclists are, actually. You probably encounter them several times per day and simply don't notice them, because they aren't interesting.

Mostly, you can safely ignore these people, simply by riding away from them. Sometimes, though - at a company party, say - it is impossible to avoid non-cyclists. Surrounded, you have no choice but to communicate with them.

Don't worry. I'm here to help. Just follow these five simple rules.

Rule 1: Understand their bizarre world view

You need to understand that non-cyclists don't realize that cycling is the most important thing any person can be doing at any given moment at any point in the universe. Non-cyclists' eyes - and minds - are shuttered, leaving them to believe that things like friends, community, work, and even family supercede what they naively call "just exercise." It's sad - OK, it's pathetic - but it's true.

To appease non-cyclists, when asked about what matters to you, you must from time to time mention friends, family, the environment, or some other such nonsense. Otherwise, they'll never leave you alone and it will be hours until you can get away, back to the comfort and kinship you feel when with your bicycle.

Rule 2. Use metaphors from "real life"

Non-cyclists aren't ready to hear about your exquisite existence in its unadulterated perfection. No, you will need to translate the sublime cycling experience into terms they might be able to understand. Naturally, you and I know that the following metaphors don't do the actual cycling event justice, but they'll have to do.

* To describe how it feels to ride down perfectly banked, twisty forested singletrack on a cool autumn morning: "It's like that scene from Return of the Jedi where Luke and Leia are zooming on their flying motorcycle things. Except you're the one powering the flying motorcycle. And you're not being chased by stormtroopers. And you don't have to tolerate the constant chattering of Ewoks."
* To explain why you gladly get up at 4:30am each weekday morning to ride your road bike for three hours on an entirely unremarkable road: "You know how you have to drive your car in stop-and-go traffic to get to work every morning? Well, imagine if you didn't have to stop. And imagine your car going as fast as you can make it go. And imagine starting the day feeling perfect. It's kind of like that."
* To explain why you pay $200 to participate in a race you have very little chance in winning: "Ever play the lotto? It's like that, except much, much more so."

Rule 3: Pretend to be interested in their life

This one's going to knock you off your feet. Believe it or not, non-cyclists sometimes think they have something interesting to say, have an interesting hobby, or an interesting experience to relate.

This, of course, is utter nonsense.

Still, for the sake of propriety, you must act as if you care. Feel free, as they talk, to pleasantly daydream about biking. Just smile and say, "Absolutely," from time to time.

Warning: It's entirely possible that a non-cyclist will say something with which you disagree. When this happens, do not engage. If you do, you will have unwittingly stepped into a non-cycling conversation, and who knows where that will lead, or when it will end.

Always remember: Be polite, be brief, be gone.

Rule 4. Act like their theory on doping in cycling is very interesting

A tactic non-cyclists will often employ, once they have discovered you are a cyclist, is to try to talk with you about cycling. This usually takes the form of trying to talk with you about doping in cycling.

You will, no doubt, be tempted to gouge your ears out rather than hear their simplistic, uninformed opinion ("Doping is bad") to its rambling, incoherent conclusion. After all, as a cyclist, you have no doubt been pummelled with story after story after story about doping. You have heard so much about doping that you could now be called as an expert witness at the next doping trial. Or open a lab. Or be the next president of WADA (and you're rightly confident you'd do a much better job).

But if you point any of this out to your non-cyclist "friend," he will no doubt take that as a sign that you are interested in continuing the conversation. So, instead, repeat this simple phrase, "Yeah, doping sucks."

Your friend will feel like he has made his point, whatever it was.

Rule 5. Don't tell them the truth about how much your bike cost

Few people ever own anything that works, fits, or looks as well as a truly well-built bike. And yet, when they find that your bike costs as much as their high-end computer or mid-range stereo, they will fake a heart attack, guaranteed.

The solution? Tell non-cyclists you paid $499.99 for your bike, no matter how much you really paid for it. This number has been scientifically formulated to sound like more than a non-cyclist would pay for a bike, without otherwise drawing attention to itself.

No matter how you try, you can't always avoid non-cyclists. All you can hope to do is minimize contact with them - so you can get back to what's important.

And I think we both know what that is.

Elden "Fatty" Nelson blogs as The Fat Cyclist, where he says ridiculous things about bikes, biking, and bikers on a daily basis. Oh, and sometimes he gives stuff away, too. So that's something.

friends don't let friends post drunk. ;)

very interesting and funny.

OT: Getting on train to london in 1hr30min! lovin' it!

when they find that your bike costs as much as their high-end computer or mid-range stereo, they will fake a heart attack, guaranteed.

that's actually true.

even though my bikes have always been more in the secondhand television or washing machine range

Plural 'bikes' RPM? thats another big No, no. I've started lying about the number of bikes in my garage just to avoid the guaranteed giggled 'but you can only ride one at a time' comment.

Talk to non-cyclists the same way you would to tourists, S-L-O-W-L-Y and LOUD.

some tourist decided to move backwards whilst walking across 3 lanes of traffic into me after i purposely looked at him then decided to ride behind. i blink my eye and whack my shoulder on his backpack. luckily my polo skills prevailed and i maintained upright. then i look across the road, like WTF and he looks at me then walks the other way. numpty

kipsy Plural 'bikes' RPM? thats another big No, no. I've started lying about the number of bikes in my garage ....

Yeah, just had a similar conv. at work the other day, one guy was until recently and avid "cyclo-commuter" and even his response was "Why do you need another bike?"

He seemed to accept that it was as valid (although I secretly think, more so) as needing another new PC/coffee grinder/DVD ... etc.

Why is that? How can a cyclist not feel the urge to gather about him/herself a vast collection of different cycles, all special in their own way?
Are some of us just more obsessed than others, or are some folksmissing the part of their brain that says "collect more..collect more..collect more"?

A big problem is the 'so, what did you do today' from non-cyclists. Always get way to carried away and forget that they don't know what the fsuk you're on about and that hearing about such amazing experiences even makes them bored! :O

I have the annoying yet correct habit of responding to any comment from friends/colleagues/acquaintances regarding public transport delays/poor health/minor bodily ailments/bad weather/bad day at work/bad mood/pretty much anything with the following:

"You wanna get yourself a bike"

seems like the only correct answer to "what did you do on your weekend" is "yeaaah, had a few mates over, had a couple of beers, went out to the pub and was completely knackered, yeah huhuhuh could barely walk home dude.."

brett I have the annoying yet correct habit of responding to any comment from friends/colleagues/acquaintances regarding public transport delays/poor health/minor bodily ailments/bad weather/bad day at work/bad mood/pretty much anything with the following:

"You wanna get yourself a bike"

Yup, been there. (still there)

There is no such thing as a non-cyclist, only cyclists who have not yet met a bike.

can't remember it exact but on the first page of Tim Crabb's The Rider the narrator looks around at some spectators and passersby at the beginning of the bike race - says something like "non-riders - the emptiness of their lives sicken me" . a bit harsh but always makes me smile that. top book too.

There is no such thing as a non-cyclist, only cyclists who have not yet met a bike.

Now that I like

MA3K There is no such thing as a non-cyclist, only cyclists who have not yet met a bike.

Now thatis a good tag line!

There is no such thing as a geared bike, only a bike that's not yet been converted.

heh.. doesn't work that well, sorry!

It's point 5 that gets me every time.

When i got my latest, idiots seemed to be queueing up to tell me how stupid I was to get a bike for that much with ONLY ONE GEAR...

"I could have built you one for that" - This from a prat who spent £500 on a new motorcycle helmet cos he put his first in a box then forgot about it, only to find said box 2 days after the new purchase...

"Should have gone to Halfords"

ooh the wittiness continues

kipsy Plural 'bikes' RPM?

as in one after the other, I change 'em when I get bored or they break.

I do, actually have two bikes, but one is a track bike and one is a 24" wheeled mtb jump bike, you couldn't get more different. the mtb is certainly very horrible on the road.

however, I do want a shit beater for winter/locking up in bad places. but it will cost next to nothing and live outside ( like my last girlfriend)

brett I have the annoying yet correct habit of responding to any comment from friends/colleagues/acquaintances regarding public transport delays/poor health/minor bodily ailments/bad weather/bad day at work/bad mood/pretty much anything with the following:

"You wanna get yourself a bike"

Ha! That's exactly what I always say but with "it's the future!" at the end

had to drop in to a stationers the other day, he saw my bike and said "your bike's only got one brake!"

I say "yeah"

he say "gone over the bars yet?"

I say "nah"

then I briefly and not very eloquently describe the properties of fixed wheel. he seemed baffled but interested.
I reckon he was a new rider, keen but still clean.

unxetas seems like the only correct answer to "what did you do on your weekend" is "yeaaah, had a few mates over, had a couple of beers, went out to the pub and was completely knackered, yeah huhuhuh could barely walk home dude.."

That is usually my answer.. but.. "could barely walk home dude.." but the ride home just flew by.. :)

Yeah, drunk riding is like running when drunk - you can (or you at least think you can) run REALLY REALLY fast. Except on a bike you're less likely to trip over something and crack your head open. Except you're more likely to drive into something and crack your head open.

I do the "yeah? Well you should get a bike then" thing with all of my flatmates. And in fact anyone who turns up late to university, or complains about any form of transport in any way. Such as:

My mother: "Ugh the train down from newcastle was delayed by an hour"
Me: "Yeah, that's why you should get a bike."

i can tell how drunk i am by how bad my trackstands are. sometimes i can't do them, at all. i find it a useful barometer of shitfacedness. i get home all shaky and drunk. very exciting.

nb: that'll be tim krabbe, still [ame=http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/1582342903/ref=sib_dp_pt/102-4120181-7220104#reader-link]an awesome book[/ame], great quote.