MAJs gay bikes [she’s in her fitness era]

CONTENT WARNING: cancer, ill health
TONE WARNING: positive, considering the content warning, good news

Hey friends

Some news from me. I didn’t want to share until I got a clearer picture.

About a month and a half ago I received a letter informing me of a rare complication of my heart disease, which is liver cancer. Me and my team had been tracking some lumps since 2023 and in my last scan in dev/ January one of them had grown a marginal amount since the scan a year before. It was still small, too small to biopsy, barely over the intervention threshold.

Not going to lie friends, I lost my mind. Anyone who’s been affected by cancer will know the existential tunnel vision it creates.

Whenever you watch fightclub you always think you’re narrator right, you’re the cool disaffected nihilist with insomnia, you never really imagine you’re the person he’s looking for a hug off so he can sleep.

The other side of the stage is surreal, suddenly nothing is significant but nothing feels insignificant. You spend your whole day getting annoyed when people ask you how you are,

“I’ve got cancer!!!!! How do you think I am!!!”,

but equally getting annoyed when people seem to continue on with their normal lives around you, not having them ask. This is obviously natural, most people don’t know what to say, what can they? They’re scared of saying something trite, they’re scared of saying something insensitive or dismissive. Typically a tight parse of the lips and a “I love you” eye is all they can communicate.

I know this because I’ve been the one saying trite shit to people, I’ve been the one giving the love you eye. Nothing prepares you for when you’re on the other side of it.

At first I bought an entire 1st borne blood angels army and built it in 3 evenings. 32 models with custom bases and kitbashing. Didn’t even consider what was going on around me. After that I would just eat a massive amount of fast food, my partner would ask me if I’m ok and I’d say “burger maxing” between mouthfuls. The final arc was just long nights staring at the ceiling, telling people I loved them and trying to keep focus during films.

I did get really into balatoro at one point, just hours of it, I started taking my switch wherever I went so I didn’t stop and think existentially. Instead focus on how I could beat gold stake with the rubbish jokers I was getting

Today was the day however, I was driven to the Churchill hospital in Oxford to talk about what the digital images said my 5 year plan looked like. I’ve been in a lot of hospitals over my years, I thought I was numb to it. Desensitised to the point where chronic disease barely registers. But being in a cancer center really reset that clock.

Consultants are not allowed to say “good news” or “bad news” unless there is no news. But it’s fair to say when he told me there had been 0 growth since my last scan the the cancerous feature test actually showed a negative result compared to last time I tried to get him to say “good news”. Because to me it was.

He also explained these come due to my Fontaine circulation causing blood build up in my liver, that it wasn’t due to a random free radical or accidentally microwaving a plastic fork. Which calmed my nerves some more. He said we’d been tracking these for ages, we don’t expect there to be a cliff edge here.

The bigger risk is how we treat it, for a person without a heart condition we’d just knock you out and oblate it curatively. But general anaesthetic for you is a bit like putting campag components on an American carbon frame, it won’t make your heart happy and might see you check out.

None the less, he wants to scan me again in a few months and see how things are getting on. In the mean time he’s going to talk to some mechanics to see how they can best get me to accept campag and carbon. We’re not at the end of this road, but it’s less king Alfred way in march downpours, Epping in may. Ideally we get to the new forest in august within a year.

I guess I’ve found it hard to talk about this as I didn’t know anything myself, I didn’t want to cause people to worry prematurely, and I’m delighted to be able to tell people now I have a more positive picture.

During this time, between anxiety, video games and wondering if I needed to make pension contributions any more, you start thinking about your regrets.

I always thought I didn’t have any, anyone who knows me knows that I live my life for me and am quite laid back about everything. Living with chronic illness does that. Living with acute illness though?!

I found regret

I’d never gone to Japan, specific the Japanese countryside,

Id never seen china, an actual functioning state,

Suddenly the healthcare and logistical barriers felt insignificant, if only I had more time I could figure them out. I do have more time now, and I want to go.

I regretted worrying about what I’d do for work long term, saving for years and worrying about finances at the expense of enjoying things. In a job I hated because it was safe. Who cares it turns out.

I can change that now.

I’ll need to sell some things, but it’ll happen

Life’s so short girls, like really, a blink, tell your friends you love them, call your mum, who gives a fuck what bike your ride, tell work to fuck off, eat a burger.