• My wife hasn't been well, so when she went for a lie down at 5.00 I presumed she hadn't fed the dogs. At 5.30 I fed them and walked them. Yep,they had already been fed. I wondered why they were less enthusiastic about food than normal. But did they say 'thank you, but I have already dined royally', did they fuck.

    So now, at 11pm I shall walk four farting, belching, overinflated barrage balloons until they can be trusted not to leave the kitchen knee deep in shite.

About