Dirty Porn (photo/written project)

For those wondering whether we really need another thread that panders to the purists among us who would look down on hapless novices with bars and hoods off-kilter, allow me this preamble to justify what might seem superfluous at first sight.

Though we have several much-loved lists of pristine machines ready to be rolled into a gallery, there's something thrilling about capturing these marvels of two-wheeled innovation after a beating; think post-Roubaix where just the mud-spattered bike conjures visions of the battle on treacherous cobbles.

For a few years I've been chipping away at a mock epic poem of sorts in the style of Lewis Carroll's The Hunting of the Snark. The tale here is the pedant's process of cleaning their bike with rhyming couplets taking us through the steps. I think that I have about three-quarters of it done but have never managed to complete the whole piece. Which is why I'm hoping a little bit of external engagement would motivate me to wrap it up.

The end goal would be to get a selection of photos to accompany the text that might even be worthy of printing, with proceeds going to the forum and other causes tba (I'm quite expecting this to flop). In the event that this gains traction, this would be a photo series of the kind of bikes that would get a nod of approval from forum heads but after they've been given a beating. Think summer bikes exposed to winter. Each picture could have one or two couplets (so 2 or 4 lines) depending on how many images I could get. Obviously the image quality is key to capture the full gory glory. To give a sense of the style, here's how it starts:

My bike did need a cleaning and a cleaning it did get,
With bucket and a sponge it was indubitably wet;

then later with stuff like this:

I then observed the chain-stays whose sad state called for the brush
And excess elbow grease to loose the stubborn steadfast crust;
But oh! what joy attended when at last my work prevailed,
And once again their streamlined engineering was unveiled;
My exultation, though sincere, did not remain unchecked,
As looking fore from aft I saw a part not to forget:
The fork! that two-pronged aerofoil that first confronts the wind,
To leave it so besmirched with dirt was sacrilegious sin;

With Festive 500 in full swing, now might be a moment when some of us are braving the elements and maybe not just on gravel bikes. Basically if you come back with a bike that's in need of a good clean, it would be great to get a (good quality) image of the bike before it's power-hosed and polished.

Below are a couple of examples to give an idea of what I'm thinking. Firstly @ghostface 's stunning Look after a tough one:

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Obviously cross bikes are supposed to take a beating and road bikes would be better.

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Post-Roubaix

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Good thread! I thought I'd have something in the archives to contribute but come up blank other than my dolan, which I'm not sure quite fits

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Here's how my work bike looked on Friday morning after 240 miles in the previous 4 days , and months of neglect. I'd limped home the day before on 2 slow punctures I couldn't be arsed to change in the rain, and by morning the tubes had exhaled their final breath.

Here's an ode of embarrassment to highlight my week, and may it give you some inspiration to finish, good luck!

I wince with shame at bb shell that's crusty as fuck
do those bb routed cables even move thro that muck?
2 slow punctures invoke a different kind of race
the possible shame of walking and loss of face
frequent stops and frantic pumps yet tyres still exhale
I promise to buy some tyres and tubes in the xmas sales
I bounce along fretting at each lost psi
you stupid fuck its your own fault why oh why oh why
eyes down i apologise for months of neglect
all the miles its done I owe it more respect
you've never cared the bike sneers back with disdain
about to quip back I was, then i saw the chain...
a month of puddles and no oil no lube is retained
turn up the music, try and ignore the shame
the grinds and shrieks of the drive train should make me weep
Instead here I sit thinking it'll go one more week....

Rep

A ripping yarn and solid rhyme to boot! Love how both tyres are conspicuously flaccid. Taking pictures of the bike pre-wash is for me the last thing I feel like doing but really is essential to this whole concept. If you're prepared to take your best steed out in conditions that would be much better suited to an all-weather bike then please post the results here (in the best image quality you can).

A few more lines:

I could not contemplate the wheels without a woeful groan,
Each element did now present a problem of its own;
The rims of yore were caked with gore and scarce displayed their brand,
With brimming eyes and heavy heart I tended them by hand;

Nailed it, I fret about using an old crap Allez singlespeed to commute on let alone my Sunday best

Low quality photo with odd stem/bar/hoods combo but was taken post rainy Roubaix.

Now with added muddy number

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Before & After a nice day out in the south downs

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Love it !

This wasn’t even after! This was 40km in on a 160km ride!

Now this is a thread I can contribute to!

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These guys completed the full roubaix in retro kit and single speed . One of them still ripped our legs off in the last ten k . All italian i have a sneaking idea they where ex pro or that level. Thats chain oil over his hands as it kept dropping off.

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Good thread, wish I had seen it the other day 👍

My one and only Norfolk ‘paved spring 100k reliably run’ It’ll be fun they said.
It was in February. It was 150k and the roads were single track and 100% mud.
They were right!

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muddy rock lobster

and the legs, very soggy feet

an arty one

This was after 90mins on the roof rack in torrential rain, so technically already partially powerwashed

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These are all great! When you see them when you make it home and can see what kind of ride it was. Keep em coming! Would be great to see all sorts of different bikes.

Not sure if the turn on applies to soiled and abused riders too but a few years back there was a portrait series of the pros post Roubaix - Cancellara era. I’ll have a hunt and see if it’s still online.

My old Curtis AM7.

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Grav bike, so kinda cheating. Icy mud, my gears froze this ride.

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I'll always remember going out with you and some of the rest of the LSF lot in the snow that time. Me failing to stay upright for more than a couple of minutes at a time on an MTB and you whizzing along on this no bother.

From today

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This is especially nice. I'm hoping to expand my arsenal to include something a bit more rugged like this.