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I probably do just need to accept defeat and put mini-Vs on it.
This is obviously the solution, and at the front, and ideally regular Vs unless you're on drops. Cantis are shit, you know they're shit, although you deserve to be punished for considering them, having to to use them is too harsh a punishment.
or drill a hole through the seat tube?
and cut a slot in the seat post so it's still adjustable?