I hate

+1

Packs of food with ‘peel here’ corners on the plastic lid that even with chisel blade fingernails, the grip of a world champion onanist and the strength of Hercules is NEVER going to peel off that lid.

And me for buying food that uses so much plastic. And then adding more cling film to the package to re-seal it for the fridge after butchering it open with a knife.

I was trolled by yoghurt a while back

I have a Swiss friend who claims that this does not happen in Switzerland. I've been stubbornly trying to prove them wrong for nearly 15 years but to date I have not managed to find a single supermarket product that does not open perfectly there. Smug fuckers.

Beautiful! Pretty much perfect!

The Capri Sun pouch piercing challenge. I had these spaceman drinks in my lunchbox over 30 years ago and still today, with no significant redesign, the straw ends in a crumpled, blunt mess.

onanist

Quoted just because this delightful word is not used often enough IMHO.

Pianist. I mean, was there ever a more easy to giggle-to word for a serious occupation?
Surely there could have been a better piano derivative?

Fortean was already taken.

My grandad was a Master Baker...

Shit shower designs that have no lip so flood whole bathrooms.

Cyclist speak...
Baths that are not long enough to soak your neck and knees at the same time. I mean, what else aches on a regular basis?
Frankly, why bother? Just have a shower.

Mine was a punt kicker in Oldham, Peckham and Turnham Green.

Having to write speeches. I'm best manning for one of my best friends and should have loads of content for it because I've known him my entire life but the stress has made me totally seize up. I probably should have started more than a couple of days before the wedding to be fair.
If my other best mate who's getting married next year makes me his best man as well I'm kicking off.

Look through your phone for photos of both of you together and see if they trigger any memories, then ignore all that, call him a cunt, wish the bride all the luck in the world, throw up and drop the mic, leave one bollock out the whole time.

I can see this isn't your first rodeo.

Ah haha

I did a best man’s speech once. They got divorced. I’m sure it wasn’t anything I said, but the anxious side of me can’t help but see a correlation there.

Good speech tho. I recommend writing it entirely in your head and then panicking on the morning of the wedding and writing it down on some handy postcards whilst hungover. Worked for me.

I once got a trophy in a best mans speech (not my wedding)
CSB

Why are electric scooters ridden by twats not prosecuted?

I try to be the acceptable face of cycling. I stop at lights and wait patiently for them to change. I ride on pavements almost never. In the gate streets in Gloucester (which fucking morons assume are pedestrian- no. They are roads) I cycle at walking pace and don’t get riled at twats with their heads buried in Facebook walking straight in front of me.

We have a public scooter hire thing here. All good. If it saves car miles then I am happy.

Fucking private scooters though! Two fuckwits jumped off the pavement without even bothering to glance in the direction of oncoming traffic twenty minutes ago. The second one missed my front wheel by a rizla.

Right in front of two cops (one real, one plastic). Both saw it, neither raised a finger.

If they are illegal to use on public roads (which they are) why the fuck are the nicks not bursting with confiscated scooters???

There's a guy near us, me and my girlfriend have both seen him. Absolutely tear arsing down the road doing at least 25mph (it's a 20 zone) with a terrified looking toddler perched on the bars in front of him. Actually on the bars.

How do you even stop him without potentially causing harm to the child?

why the fuck are the nicks not bursting with confiscated scooters???

They used to be in London. The Met confiscated nearly 5,000 last year. It ended up being such a burden for them they announced they were going to stop confiscating them.

That is painful. Perhaps arrange a deal to export them for cash to Rwanda might be the answer?

I've seen a couple of big crack downs recently! Loads of coppers stopping anyone on scooters or e-bikes and checking the legitimacy and confiscating anything illegal.

Ffs, I've just been asked to be best man for another friend who I didn't even know was getting married. It's a tough life being so charming and popular.