I think a retro MTB build may have the answers you're looking for. Sounds like the only issue would be the mudguards, and retro MTB builds have to have mudguards otherwise they won't upload to the internet
retro MTB build
This solution has been advised and subsequently rejected before. Clear case of self-sabotage. Hopefully the fever will get the poison out.
@youramericanlover started
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I think a retro MTB build may have the answers you're looking for. Sounds like the only issue would be the mudguards, and retro MTB builds have to have mudguards otherwise they won't upload to the internet