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Crap news, Matt. Glad you're OK. And it's a completely bizarre incident, of course. If it cheers you up, they clearly mistook you for a pro racer on a £10k bike. Hope you get one that feels like an adequate replacement after a while, but I have old-bike-attachment-syndrome bad, too, so I can imagine how it feels.
Just been mugged for me old-man bike which I absolutely loved. If anyone spots it please let me know.
https://twitter.com/Sparkes/status/1464954366532726789