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Dammit-
I wasn't serious about the Honda Civic bit!
I think getting something you can put bikes inside (not on) is a good idea.
Overall I think that there are surprisingly few decent options for this in the automotive world.
The Merc van is logical but it doesn't seem to tick all of your original boxes. An Addison Lee-mobile doesn't really seem like what you were looking for.
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I think we should probably leave it as we have differing ideas about cars.
Autobahn.
Fox
fussballclub
We use a picnic blanket in our Honda Civic. It has strong old lady vibes (the picnic blanket, I mean, not the Honda Civic, well arguably that too, yes, but) so nobody would ever guess there's reasonably fancy road bikes lurking underneath.
So, decent example Honda Civic with magic seats - £2k
Old lady picnic blanket - £7.90 (that one's too posh if anything)
Total: £2,007.90
£2,007.90 - £70,000 = £67,992.10 profit.