Have you ever been left behind on the climbs, even though you can keep up on technical singletrack? Or, on the other hand, found that your bike is too skittish when riding your favourite technical trails flat out?
Being fat, old and a generally bit shit are already satisfying these criteria
Educate yourself on Down Country @BareNecessities https://www.canyon.com/en-gb/blog-content/what-is-a-downcountry-bike/b19082021-3.html