The World's Fattest Man with no bike! aka - find hippy a new bike aka - Just get ( fill in blank )

This thread has already produced a bike, in the Mason.

The MTB purchase is a lot tricker for a few reasons:

1. I haven't ridden an mtb since early 2000s and EVERYTHING changed
   
2. Covid means even if you find your perfect bike, it won't be in stock
   
3. I only start these debates to get my post count up. I'm not even going to ride this bike.