Anyone with an allotment?

I’ve been lucky this year. I’ve found a supply of horse manure.

But now I need to find a cheap trailer or truck to collect it in. Putting it in the back of my wife’s civic isn’t going down well

My heap has done precisely fuck all so far it seems.
It’s a mix of grass, scalpings(chopped up) and brambles/twigs all chopped pretty small. It’s just in a pallet bay with a tarp over it.
Anything I can do to give a bit of a kick up the arse? It’s been on the go since October. Time for a turn?

It sounds like it's full of stuff that is notoriously slow to compost, i.e. grass, twigs, etc. Are you adding any vegetable waste? Possibly add torn up paper too, just to accelerate things?

Surround it with 50 mm insulation board. That will do the trick.

I gave up on the compost heap at the allotment. Too slow and attracted unwanted pests.

In my experience grass is great at breaking down, better than paper and veg waste. Just have to mix it in a bit and keep it wet.

Things I've found helpful are: water, worms (Eisenia fetida or Dendrobaena, L.terrestris -big earthworms - aren't a compost worm), ants and heat. Two you can add, one you can encourage and the other you'll have to wait for. You can buy worms but if you leave a few planks on the ground for a week or two, the reddy coloured worms that appear under them will be best for composting. They'll reproduce easily and you'll soon have tons of them.

Pish and patience

And air. Turning it now it's warmer massively boosts the tiny orgasms and the whole heap heaves and slumps.

It's nitrogen deficient.
Pee on it now & again.

I suspect once all the hard landscaping/clearance is finally done I won’t generate much more of this awful crap, certainly not at the rate I’ve produced it so far!
Hot composter at home not an option for us sadly but will get some board on the go, sure I can scrounge up some offcuts nearby...

@mespilus my partner keeps telling me off for this despite me knowing it’s the right thing to do 😅
Will tell her you said it was ok..

Thanks for the tips everyone, will make a start on all those suggestions.
I reckon I’ve only got another couple of hundred kgs of dirt left to scalp off and deal with so shouldn’t be too bad in the end if I just keep at it bit by bit. I’m trying to break up the scalpings so I keep as much soil as possible and just leave the grassy clumps behind.
Now I know after all these years why rich folk paid people like me to scalp their gardens and just replace with new soil...

On the subject of rich folk, one of our plot neighbours had some burly labourers and a garden designer round the other day measuring up. Surely that’s not a thing right? She came over all excited telling me what they’re going to do for her, was a bit shocked tbh....
I mean, it seems really late to be fucking around with all that now when they could have done it over winter.

Have seen the ‘hired help’ thing before. The plot tenants usually give up after the first year because weeds.

It shouldn't smell. If it does, add more browns.
I let mine get right to the top before I empty it.

More browns?

Like cardboard that’s brown. Or do you mean something else?

Composting is all about getting your carbon and nitrogen ratios right. When I say browns, I mean a source of carbon. Dead leaves, shredded cardboard etc. If it smells, it will be going anaerobic so chuck more shredded card in.
If it's going cold, put some grass or another source of Nitrogen in.

Right I’ll Chuck in some cardboard

I'm not certain my sage advice will carry much weight.
I still remember her increasing incredulity when I dropped over to buy/collect that edged tool, and we 'bonded' over coppicing/hedgelaying and a shared knowledge of outer north west London.

Currently waiting for this lot to grow

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Trouble is I can’t remember what I planted and where. Next year... labels!

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First time ever trying to grow potatoes.
Will they go green if I don't mound the dirt up?
Pretty excited TBH, they're coming up like weeds!

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I was meant to do mine in mounds this year but the ground was quite soft and I didn’t have any compost so just dig them in.

Asparagus bed is in its second year I believe. Maybe the third there’s some spears which I’m tempted to harvest at some point and cook but no idea when they are ready?

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Wait until they are about 6-8 inches long then cut them just below the surface of the soil. If it's only the second year then don't crop for too long, a month at most, then leave to really get established.

Will they go green if I don't mound the dirt up?

Only if they get near enough the surface to get sunlight on them.

My spuds broke the suface today, exciting times!
Corn also popped up, I’m weirdly very excited about that!
Melons! Plant them out or let them grow in the tunnel?

Have decided that once I’m done clearing I might build a few cold frames ready for next year. I’ve totally ballsed up a few things and it’s certainly a bit exposed here on a windy day.

Melons in the tunnel, but ventilated to pollinate for most varieties! What are they?

Melons!!! Don’t they need to be really warm