Settle an argument for me

Necessity is the mother of invention

I tried hovering over a nightclub toilet once when coming up on pills and very much needing to shit, the toilets were stainless steel ones with bits of wood attached to them, no seat to lift and all soaked in piss, no way I'm sitting. Memories are obviously hazy, I may have double dropped (pills not poos) but I'm pretty sure I hovered as best I could, struggled to do some wiping without falling in any direction whilst not letting any clothes get soaked in piss, then turned around to see a large, perfect mister whippy, probably what the emoji would end up being based on turd on the back flat steel bit of the horror toilet. At that moment I couldn't have been 100% sure it wasn't there when I walked in so I left the toilet and calmly let on to the guy waiting to do coke that he should watch out, someone has done a massive shit on the back of the bog and it's minging, or maybe I just mumbled and chewed my eyebrows, I felt like I got away with it. Second worse shit I've had and the other involved trying to hover too. Is this the kind of depravity you stand up wipers are supporting, you fucking monsters.

To be fair I don’t think stand up shitters are endorsing your double plopping drug habits.

If you all had access to a Toto this dilemma would’ve never occurred. Hands free FTW.

That’s my point, hovering causes a dirty seat.

I would find another toilet if I wasn’t prepared to clean it - standing/hovering is never the answer!

I tried hovering over a nightclub toilet once when coming up on pills and very much needing to shit, the toilets were stainless steel ones with bits of wood attached to them, no seat to lift and all soaked in piss, no way I'm sitting. Memories are obviously hazy, I may have double dropped (pills not poos) but I'm pretty sure I hovered as best I could, struggled to do some wiping without falling in any direction whilst not letting any clothes get soaked in piss, then turned around to see a large, perfect mister whippy, probably what the emoji would end up being based on turd on the back flat steel bit of the horror toilet. At that moment I couldn't have been 100% sure it wasn't there when I walked in so I left the toilet and calmly let on to the guy waiting to do coke that he should watch out, someone has done a massive shit on the back of the bog and it's minging, or maybe I just mumbled and chewed my eyebrows, I felt like I got away with it.

fantastic storytelling

Second worse shit I've had

really looking forward to hearing the full story on the worst one now!

stainless steel ones with bits of wood attached to them

..by the way these "bits of wood" are not for sitting on in the first place, but for squatting (putting your shoes on the wooden parts, for more grip).
You can then remain seated / squatted for wiping, or stand up half way as you please ("utkatasana"), coming onto the balls of your feet is for advanced practitioners though -

Malasana might be more appropriate

Or Tikka Masala

Hakuna Matata.

Those bits of wood on a stainless steel nightclub toilet are absolutely not for standing on you absolute monsters

Although this confusion probably explains the state they’re often found in

They're for racking out lines I think?

This seems as good a place as any to recount my housemate's astounding revelation that he managed to get through the last month on just one roll of loo paper. He knows I'm a sucker for all things green so took me to task on my paper consumption. I admit that besides buying the recycled stuff, I prefer to do a thorough job rather than stint myself on this particular aspect of personal hygiene.
But this parsimony in the paper department did lead to an animated analysis of the best positions. Over the years I've worked out a routine that, 9 times in 10, results in a clean break. It's a three-step method that basically stretches the point of exit in progressive increments:

1. I adopt what I affectionately refer to as the Penseur pose: a noble and dignified stance that evokes Rodin's sculpted subject deep in rumination. I find this helps me get into the right mindset for what's about to come.
   
2. With natural instinct kicking in, it's time for prayer: bend forward slightly, elbows on knees and clasp the hands in fervent supplication. It's important to get the breathing right here, much as women in labour coordinate their inner convulsions with powerful exhalations this technique also encourages the swift ejection of my own 'babies'.
   
3. In a final effort to squeeze out any lingering residue, I double over and segue into The Ski Jumper. This one requires decent hip rotation but the idea is to keep a straight back, chin up, and arms thrust behind with chest almost touching the knees; imagine gliding across Alpine skies, propelled by a jet of... well, let's not be facetious.
   
   

This has been my daily ritual for years now and whilst I accept that it may not be for everyone, the benefits of this particular sequence are confirmed by friends who report positive results. It's worth noting that I remain seated for the entire performance and find it most convenient to scoot a little forward to wipe from behind, front to back.

Not anymore, now we know people are putting their dirty feet on them. Disgusting.

Oh. Really? OK, yeah.....

Has this been resolved yet?

u rolled
i LOLd

A snap from my working holiday, post Tsunami, at Wat Yanyao temple near Khao Lak beach. The Dutch pathologist couldn't cope with the facilities without a little modification. The apparatus was the sovereign territory of Lemmer.

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But how did they wipe?

When Adam were a lad and
toilet paper weren't invented.
He wiped his ass upon the grass
and went away contented.

Also, how does one approach things like hotel and festival toilets?

What hotels are you staying in that the bogs are on a par with those at festivals?

Also, can you not just hold it?

Sorta bounced but why not.

Didn't say they were the same, just picked 2 situation whereby you might not have other options.

Hold your poop on a week long festival?

Maybe it's too specific, I guess not everyone goes to festivals.

Hold your poop on a week long festival?

I'd rather never shit again than go to a week long festival so...

But also, I've gone way longer than a week between shits, especially where travel is concerned. Not a boast post. Not at all :(

But we need to circle back to the hotel thing, you don't sit on hotel toilet seats? Not even on paper?

He'll yeah on paper. I can sit or hover. I've also cleaned the toilet thoroughly first. I'm open to all options. Just learning that there's a bit of a marmite situation here and don't believe people only do one or the other, yet it made for a fairly heated debate, for some reason.