The World's Fattest Man with no bike! aka - find hippy a new bike aka - Just get ( fill in blank )

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BareNecessities

Kona Unit fits your criteria, I think, though only available as a singlespeed full build or frameset

https://konaworld.com/unit.cfm

https://bikepacking.com/bikes/kona-unit-x-review/

Edit - geared version https://konaworld.com/unit_x.cfm

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hippy in reply to @BareNecessities

Where's the boing up front?

"designed for 100m travel"

I mean, that's more than the 0mm I have now :)

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BareNecessities in reply to @hippy

Boing sold separately, so you get to choose something decent

Nothing weird would happen to that geometry if you fitted a 120mm fork

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