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At what torque does it start destroying the star nut though..?
Star nuts are really hard to break. 5Nm is sufficient to make the adjuster screw almost impervious to self loosening, whereas the 1-2Nm required to set the bearing preload isn't.
I use 5Nm on glued-in nuts,which are nowhere near as resistant to pull out as star nuts. Expanding bungs can also easily resist this much bolt tension.
Obviously Tester Top Caps can take it too.
I asked for exactly this advice and haven't dieded yet with a steerer that ends just above the centreline of the top stem bolt. @gbj_tester passed on a tip, which is that after your headset is adjusted and your stem clamp bolts are tightened properly, you can tighten the headset preload bolt quite a bit tighter for extra security. Because the stem bolts are already tight it shouldn't have any effect on the headset operation.