Moving out of London

For the not knowing people aspect, say yes to any and every social invite for a while. The people you initially meet might not be right but they’ll be your ticket to meeting other people (and so on).
It took us around a year to build a small circle (mostly other people moved from London) and three years on we’re pretty maxed out for friends.

I live in Romford on this road which I really like.
I had a lot of the same concerns as you re. not knowing anyone and concerns about being further out of town.
I have lived here for just under two years now and for the most part these have been unfounded. Of course, there are occasions where I'd like to pop in to town, which would have been far easier from E3, where I lived before...
You're really not that far away - 20mins to Liverpool St on the fast train is a breeze and the cycle is fine too - I'm really missing it during WFH. You just have to accept that you're a bit further away. I certainly doesn't (or didn't before lockdown) stop me doing London things and socialising.
I would say that I haven't found much to do in Romford socially aside from eating/drinking but I've been busy sorting out the house, so haven't needed a 'hobby'. We also move there with the intention of having a baby sometime fairly soon, so confident that we'll make friends through NCT classes etc. That's the plan anyway...
In short, we have a 2/3 bed house, 100ft garden and back on to a nice park and it cost a third of the equivalent house in E3, which we will never be able to afford.
Feel free to PM me to discuss more and if you head out this way, I'll be free for a hang!

I’ve not lived in Leeds for 30 years but back then Chapeltown could be a bit lively.

moved (post-child) from london to manchester 2 or 3 years ago, and it's been a good move, overall. after we had a kid we stopped going out anyway, so we weren't really making the most of london – although that would have probably got back into it as the kid got older.

there's no way i would consider living in the south east outside of inner london, but my partner and me are both from the north. we moved to within about an hour's drive of our parents, which is just enough. for me, personally, you may as well live in manchester/leeds/liverpool/sheffield/bristol etc. rather than the outskirts of london anyday.

most of my old school mates are in and around manchester, but i don't see them as often as i'd like with work, covid, kids, and the fact we're all kind of scattered. i've joined a cycle club and started doing more racing, and joined my local hackspace, so have a loose network from that but not really good mates. that's partly down to me as well - i could try harder. our closest mates now are other parents i've met locally.

housing wise, we went from a 2-bed flat to a 3-bed house with garden and garage, which costs a fair bit less. our situation was complicated because we rented somewhere in between and overlapped ownership. we also went for more affordable north manchester over the more affluent south. when i was looking for somewhere (thread) i had in my mind somewhere out of town in the peak district or somewhere, but gradually we came to realise we like the ability to cycle around and the relative convenience and diversity of the city as a place to raise a kid. living up here for 18 months in a rented place helped us gain a sense of what we wanted and what we didn't – both in terms of a house as well as working, childcare arrangements, schools, etc.

Am I mad to think Dagenham is so far out of London I may as well be in Leeds?

You are more likely to get a decent flat white in Leeds than in Dagenham.

I wish I could move to Leeds. Apparently its the Portland of UK (hipsters not militia).

I'd love to be near these things:
https://wycameras.com/
http://bundobust.com/locations/leeds/

Where are you/partner from and would you consider moving back there or near there? Do you have family (who you like) in other areas of the UK? Some familiarity with an area can make it less alien to move to, but I'm guessing that's a short term benefit - you'd get to know wherever you went. Family is a longer term benefit (you hope).

The difficulty is that if she does squeeze one out she won't be able to work for a while, and doing something remote or part time will make child care easier too, this means if we get a mortgage at the max we can afford now we may be screwed when the monster appears

Also bear in mind that child care fees are also very hefty so lack of cash can continue after she returns to work.

Unless you still know the area well then it's probably worth renting for a while up there to get the feel of the different areas.

i would sell the flat now while the market is at an artificial high (pent up post-lockdown demand and stamp duty cut), then buy somewhere after the deal/no deal (no real differnce at this point) brexit house market crash that will inevitably come next year.

What I did to help decide on areas was take a short trip over, stay in an AirBnB, and visit all the areas I reckoned might be nice. Try the pubs, high streets, whatever, treat it like a little holiday as well as research.

I would rather live in a core city than the very outer suburbs of London

Bit late but FWIW I'd take somewhere miles away, more compact and better value, then make it your own, than somewhere entirely undistinguished in the gravitational pull of London in a second