I hate

Camper vans.

More specifically, those meticulously curated two tone split-screen type things and the whole culture around them. The whole rebel hippie surfer counter culture outsider vibe that these creations are supposed to invoke is totally bogus. For very one that was rescued, restored and renovated by a genuine car or design enthusiast, 200 are bought and owned by a middle manager called Kevin who has one of those LOVE signs on their living room wall in attempt to acquire an interesting personality.

Absolutely none of them are owned by anyone who surfs regularly, because people who surf every day in this country either work in an ice-cream shop for four months of the year and live with their parents, are on the dole and live in the back of an Astra van or are semi-retired millionaires who live in a massive house on the beach. Actually, some of those cunts definitely have a "splittie" in the garage.

The aesthetics of the scene are so codified that they're total cliches. Every single one looks the same and aren't deemed hip until they've hit the requisite number of hits on the VeeDubClub bingo card of cool. I hate how people in the scene see themselves as guardians of golden age design and taste and yet their taste is limited by this pick list of reference points and they wear old guys rule shorts, quicksilver board shorts and reef sandals.

These guardians of cool listen to Jamiroquai. Guaranteed. They go to festivals headlined by Reef and think it's brilliant when some stoned cunt in a hat playing a didgeridoo wanders into their campsite at 3am.

Fuck camper vans and the misguidedly smug cunts who drive them.