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I understand(well, not from own experience)what your are talking about. My wife being brown....but you know not too dark, does seem to make it easier for white people to deal with. Well until it comes to promotions, good service at restaurants, being taken seriously in general. It seems that she is fine until she speaks up or trying to be "smart"( she is damn smart, well spoken and earns a heap more money than me ....and for good reasons). As I have come to understand and see things as long as you as a BAME person assimilates and try to be as white as you can be the less shit you will have to take......but make no mistake you will still have to take a whole heap of shit every single day. Oh and she didn't smile a lot in public when we first met either.....she still doesn't. She needs to keep that guard up for a reason. 0% tolerance is the only way forward but thats on mine and all other white peoples shoulders to sort out.
saibot-
Don't worry I'm not denying racism. It's more just a musing on the subtleties. I don't "try" and be white, or assimilate, or whatever. But my existence is not perceived as a threat to person or status quo in any comparable level to if I was black. It is used, undeniably, to make people and organisations feel that they are diverse and non-racist at minimal effort. Anyway, bit of a navel-gazing diversion on my part.
hoefla
It's an interesting one because I do not 'feel' black and nor do I think society views me that way. I've often felt ticking any box that puts me in BAME for stats purposes is a distraction and dilution - I make places diversity stats look good, I make people feel better about not being racist, but the truth is (IMO etc) that I occupy space that should be for others - black, brown, anyone who challenges the safe norm. Often I feel that white people pretend I'm white. Except when they need to look around for a voice or person of colour - and then I'm a safe candidate. I've been asked explicitly to take part in things 'for diversity' but I don't threaten the status quo. I keep things comfy. Is it as simple as the fact that I'm light-skinned? Yeah I do think that's a factor, a bigger one than people would like to think. But it's also the way I dress and talk. I tell you what, I also smile a hell of a lot more than I did when I was younger. Sometimes I forget, and people still get the glare.
Edit: ^this sounds super passive. I acknowledge that it's on me to not keep things so comfy and it's something I'm working on.