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Have had a few drinks, so take what I say with a pinch of salt...proper sea salt none of this processed anti caking agent added salt.
Your friend sounds like he is quite far on the scale, and remember that we are all on that autism scale. But also that not one of us, so far, has any qualification to state that they are on any scale. Have had the joy of working with some people that seem to (unprofessional) me to be on the scale but then there is the thin line of peoplw who don't suffer fools.
Worked , for a short time, with an automotive engineer that I was told was the most obnoxious guy you could ever met. When we worked together on a project, and I found him brilliant to work with. Very strange in that he had 15 work days worth of clothes, each day was the same jacket shirt and trousers. Each cleaned and worn in rotation, till he would go out and buy the same 15 work outfits. Quite einstienesque. But his knowledge on the topics we worked on were correct and brilliant. Suspect he was a little alcoholic as did enjoy johny walker black label together.
The thing is that even with a diagnosis for your friend, will it change him? Would he even notice that he is the issue. You can't force change in others, you can only change yourself. This is the bit I have greatest difficulty with. If you figure it out, tell me and I can make my fortune on the self help and talkshow circuit. Enjoy the 95 and try to over look the 5%, as I get older I'm more 5% joy to be around and 95% troubling to be around.
One person I worked with, was diagnosed autistic. When I got to know him, he had worked out many strategies of how to deal with people. One of which was when he was asked how he was, he would answer I am alright and you. With the very english faining that they listened but never mentioned anything in the information that was replied to. He found me confusing, as he told me later, as I would invite him to things he had never eaten with my comments of if you like this food you would love dimsum/proper kebab/indian food. The lets go and eat food over lets go and get drunk.
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on another note though, bit more seriously, I have a mate like this (not seen him in 8 years) but he didnt like people and actively unsociable, worked nights so he wouldn't be near people, he looked like Mr Burns and he was only in his early twenties.
anyway, without elaborating too much, as I got older and working in children's social services, I had a better understanding of all the stuff that happened to him when we were in school; like he had been in and out of foster care, his mum was a maniac and beat up our headteacher, some other weird stuff went on.
he was basically living in an abusive household and this had affected him to the point where he didnt want to be around people at all and I was the only person really keeping up with him. it got to the same point though where he just wouldn't turn up to things any more and that was that. shame as he was a real nice and normal bloke once you were past the weird persona everyone else saw. could easily be labeled with autism but he was just screwed up.
just saying this as people often say stuff about being on a spectrum, but there is shit loads of neglectful and abusive parenting going on behind closed doors and it deeply affects people in adulthood. I see scores of it in my 9-5, but you would never realise if you were not aware of the extent of it.
just something to consider as your mate may have had some trauma which has lead him to behave the way he does.
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just saying this as people often say stuff about being on a spectrum, but there is shit loads of neglectful and abusive parenting going on behind closed doors and it deeply affects people in adulthood. I see scores of it in my 9-5, but you would never realise if you were not aware of the extent of it.
Believe you are right, or agree with what you are saying. Can't decide which is right.
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I think we all know at least one person who fits the 'Chris' profile. I certainly do and my experience has told me you won't change them, so the option is either to tolerate their 'odd ways' (we're all a bit odd, but never to ourselves) or no longer have them as friends.
I've found the former is nearly always the best way forward, but I have lost touch with one guy who, despite being a good laugh, had a habit of being outwardly rude to people, not just blunt, but downright rude and I found this trait so distasteful that I frankly don't miss him. The Chris people I've known are all single guys, living alone and I've always thought that not having someone close in their lives to nudge them in the right direction allows them to get away with not showering, wearing dirty clothes, being anti-social, unsympathetic to others, etc, or perhaps it's vice-versa? -
Wow, some amazing responses, thanks so much.
Weirdly, I don't actually know that much about my friend's childhood or family life, maybe this is why?
I feel this thread has actually helped me a lot already because I've kinda 'got it down on paper' my thoughts of how he could be autistic. I don't think to ask him if he is or to get him to find out would do any good, he's the most stubborn person, but equally as passive, a strange personality dynamic.
An example of the way he is, a few days ago he moaned at me on the phone why Subway isn't open on Christmas Day, and that it's a fantastic day to get things done. He spent the day replacing the brake pads on his car.
He also gets furious at McDonald's workers when they use one of those Coke dispensers and there will be a small drip of Diet coke (literally a drip) in his regular coke... (how the fuck can he even taste it!?!?)
I also feel that I don't want too many of his opinions and thought processes to rub off on me. I may limit my time with him, maybe once every few weeks instead of once a week seeing him, and only then to go out drinking? It's really tough because I value his friendship, but at the same time, I have to think about my own happiness.
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Yeah, Chris is single and the only female he's pretty much known in his life is his mother.
He's actually terrible around women. He reads/watches a lot of Jordan Peterson, many of the documentaries about how Google, the 'left' are controlling us, etc. He's built a narrative that he's a good guy and that women should like him.
I truly feel he isn't a bad person at all, he may just have anger built up and he takes to things easily that fit his narrative of how the world is.
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My name is also Chris so I had a slight chuckle at that.
Mental health still has lots of stigma, tread carefully if/as you mention it to them. I've been openly told by a few they think I'm mental, intended as an insult but then followed up when I next saw them with an explanation about me being on the spectrum. It's offensive if it's said accidentally as an off the cuff insult.
The next question or point that follows is almost always professional help. As someone in that situation if you are aware then you kinda look forward on a future that could be regular interaction with mental health professionals for the rest of your life, it's a scary idea to think of.
Be aware that whatever you say might also bear no fruits, and even have a crushing response like "I know, so what".
The ripped clothes and shoes thing I totally get, for a while years back I did the same and in the grand scheme of things it's the same person so who cares. I've worn odd shoes now for the last 2 years, it's provoked many great conversations about what is/isn't acceptable and I'm still unsure if the average person is right, I take pride in my appearance being wrong.
The "do 0 with his life and not speak to anyone" honestly sounds fine. Some just aren't all that aspirational, the place they live in is ok, the stuff they have is ok, what more do they really need? Whenever I've openly talked like this it really riles up some people as ok is apparently not ok.
If with the 6 month gap everything was fine after maybe just figure out when/how to distance more. It seems a weird thing to do but if both of you are happy with it then nothing wrong with meeting less or with gaps. I've got some friends I decide to only see once a month or so rather than weekly/daily as it just wouldn't be a good idea.
edit - when I typed this it was at the Moss reply
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Being friends with someone who is hard to be friends with
Posted by
@JamesNQ
LFGSS has been pretty helpful to me over the last 8ish years, so I have something I'd like help with, please!
I have a friend who is one of the hardest people I've ever had to maintain a friendship with. We'll call 'Chris'.
Chris is an engineer and very, very clever. He's worked at the same company for 8 years and never made a single mistake with any of his work. He works at a company of 200 people and just about everyone at the company dislikes him, mainly because he will speak exactly what is on his mind when someone has made an error, or he thinks what they are doing isn't the right way to do it. They don't invite him to sit at the table with him at lunch or go out for drinks etc, most of the people despise him.
In the 7 years of being friends with him, he's been round to my house a total of twice, I go to his house maybe once a week. Chris lives by himself and doesn't really speak to his family that much, and me and my other friend are pretty much the only people he associates with outside of work. I once got so fed up of making the effort of trying to talk to him that I left it to see when he would contact me, it lasted 6 months before I caved it.
95% of the time, Chris is a pleasure to be around and I really enjoy his company, he's a great friend who is generous, listens to what I have to say and we go mountain biking, drinking and other fun activities, we always have a great time.
The 5% that I find trouble with. He can be incredibly honest and very rude because of it, and a lot of the time I feel quite deflated and actually quite sad when I leave his house. Just about everyone who knows him feels this way. When he's bad, all he does is moan about things that really aren't important to daily life. His people skills are not far off 0.
When we go out, he'll regularly wear trousers that are ripped and shoes with holes in, and it gets quite awkward telling him he can't do out with clothing that is falling apart. It's not a money or hoarding issue, he just doesn't see it as a problem.
I have long suspected Chris may be on the autistic spectrum. I love him to bits, he's a true friend to me and I value our relationship dearly, but he's honestly the hardest person I've ever tried to be friends with. I feel out of my depth sometimes trying to deal with him and how he makes me feel, and I'm not sure what to do. If me and my other friend didn't work to maintain a friendship with him, he'd do 0 with his life and not speak to anyone.
Can anyone offer me advice on ways to deal with him? I'd really love to learn how to manage someone like him, so I can maintain our friendship.