• Usual mix at my school - permadrunk maths teacher who kept a bottle of whisky in his desk, chemistry teacher who got arrested for stealing a tin of pineapple chunks from the Spar, craft and design teacher called Mr Pollock who pronounced the ‘P’ in his name as a ‘B’, head of music was a horrible old witch who crushed any joy anyone might have in her subject, maths teacher who asked the girls inappropriate questions and once spent an entire lesson setting out his foolproof plan for robbing a Securicor van.

    Oh, and this chap was one of my friends, and I didn’t realise he was twice my age until the Daily Mail came knocking at my door to ask questions about him.

  • Officials have failed to discover his motive for masquerading as a fifth-former

    His deception only came to light last month when he and two female classmates were on holiday in Tenerife.

    Top deductive skills, there.

  • Everyone thinks he must have done it to shag teenagers, but there was none of that. The real reason is a complicated story about university admissions policies, and his all-consuming desire to become a doctor.

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