Does anyone know anything about gardening?

real ivy isn't shit enough?

Nothing helps sheds blend in more than manicured plastic camouflage.

Finally, there's light at the end of my fallen leaf saga.
Edit: Dreadful phone photo.

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Until next year

Got a brand new second hand tall hedge / small branch trimmer off fb marketplace a few weeks back. First go with it today, defo beats wobbling about on a step ladder overreaching with loppers.

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Anyone care to provide inspiration for what to do with my 12 X 4m garden? South facing but overshadowed by a large Oak so rarely sees much sun. Hopefully the tree will get a trim this year, but I doubt it'll make a huge difference to light levels. Currently moving the unproductive sleeper beds to the the allotment which is why it looks like a bomb site. Any planting will need to be shade tolerant, surfaces need to be easily cleaned as the oak makes a load of leaf litter every year. Current thoughts are a massive deck interspersed with low beds of ferns. That's probably a shit idea though. The walls are mostly the old stone ones and should come up alright once cleaned and repointed. The Asguard and old shed will eventually be replaced with a new one spanning and covering that back wall.

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AstroTurf, hot tub, decking and garden room

Decking is very likely to become green and slimy with little light and that tree overhanging. It needs needs airflow underneath which will undoubtedly become a rat run in the truest sense of the words. It looks good for a while but needs maintenance, definitely as it gets older..
I quite like the idea of recycled artificial grass in areas of high wear and recycled rubber chippings for the rest. You'd be reducing waste and you could do all your gardening with a broom. Anything you actually want to grow could live in tubs/pots and moved about when required. No mud, no grass clippings and low/no maintenance. The only disadvantage is that it could be a bit sterile for wildlife but bird feeders, a potted Buddleia, Lavender and a hedgehog door in a couple of fences and you're golden.

https://www.trulawn.co.uk/recycled-artificial-grass/

https://www.safersurfacing.co.uk/blogs/news/classic-recycled-rubber-chippings-a-fantastic-garden-landscaping-material

Those rubber chips look good in the photos but I can imagine trying to separate them from fallen leaves would be a nightmare. Same issues we have with the gravel at the moment.

I'll go counter to the suggestion above by saying that plastic lawns and plastic gravel are just horrific for wildlife/the environment generally. Avoid them if at all possible.
I like the ferns idea, and if you don’t mind a bit of work you could use them and other plants to provide cover of sorts for a mini-pond somewhere. https://www.rspb.org.uk/get-involved/activities/give-nature-a-home-in-your-garden/garden-activities/createaminipond/

I think a pond would just get smothered with leaf matter, I don't mind clearing them up from the paving sections, but I don't think I'd be keeping on top of it enough in Autumn to avoid it going stagnant. Also I'd worry about mine and others cats massacring frogs/fish/newts. I do want to set one up at the allotment though. Actually, I did have one in one of the beds just like in that link, and put some tadpoles in it, but I don't think they ever grew up :(

Been looking at recycled plastic decking, no doubt it'll be eye watering for an area that big though, haven't worked it out yet.

Edit; to counter the lack of diversity I would like to put a moss roof on the shed if I can make it work within the limitations of the design, and set up some planters of flowers on the flat roof of my work at the back there (it gets a lot more sun).

Yep fair points. I thought cover from ferns etc. might help with leaves, but I hadn’t reckoned with cats! They are also pretty horrific for wildlife ;)

Luckily mine's crap at hunting. I think he caught a very slow mouse once which was trying to die in a corner somewhere.

I was only joking about the astroturf - foul stuff.

For getting leaves up you're either going to be raking or using a blower I guess so you need something that's going to be rake friendly - as you found out, gravel isn't really that.

I think I'd just probably go for some kind of paving, either laid into grass or as a path. If you're constantly in shade you might find that grass breeds moss which will hold moisture (not so great if you want to sit on the lawn) but I guess if you get into raking....

That wall at the back looks like it might offer some options too - trachelospermum perhaps?

If that's a north-facing wall you may be better off with a hydrangea petiolaris.

The wall's getting a bike shed built against it (yes I have permission). But I'll probably want to hide/soften that somehow.

It wouldn't be hard to have that almost entirely as a green room in a year. I mean all vertical surfaces covered. You have got some sort of trees on the left there? Hiding the houses over the road, nice and private. You could even do a big muriel on that rear wall over the bike shed.

Hell, I do love a big Muriel! Decking of any sort would be profitable for the likes of me, but a certain death trap. A hard surface would less likely to kill you. Hostas and astilbes rather like shade, as do ivies. If hostas, welcome to Slugfest 2020.

My drunken brain is still trying to cope with doing big Muriel over a brick wall, I fear I would fail her miserably.

Hostas and astilbes

These look good. @spindrift just one small tree and some quite overbearing forsythia that may get cut out or taken down a lot. Fence needs replacing along that entire LHS as the old one is gone/ knackered. Backs on to 4 gardens of the adjacent road.

what to do with my 12 X 4m garden?

200 tulip bulbs £9:

https://www.thompson-morgan.com/p/tulip-majestic-mix/45749TM

Planting could be predominantly ferns. Loads of varieties available.

Snowdrops are nodding and one daffodil is peeking.

Ahhhhhh.

Hellebores are out, there's loads round Southwark Cathedral: