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Ah shit - not sure you can talk your way out of that one, it's not even like you can claim mishearing as, regardless of the specifics, there's definitely a threat of cannibalism. Ok, I've got it - are you Scottish? If so, surely claiming it's a little known Scottish idiom basically meaning 'I'll tan your arse' is the best call? In no way (except every way) is this funny!
Pasty_Spumante
Bobbo
Made a right tit out of myself today.
Was playing a friendly after our original oppo called off at the last minute. Was tail end Charlie in the lineout and caught the ball after it was spilled, unbeknownst to me I had been lined up by their centre who nearly took my head off. Shite ref didn't see it and didn't blow up. I stood up in the middle of the ruck and screamed "which cunt did that to me! If you go it again I'll eat your fucking eyelids!" Its on video and has already made its way around the club's WhatsApp groups. How am I meant to look the parents of children I'm coaching in the eye tomorrow knowing they've seen it?
Oh hai! I'm the guy who coaches your kids, I'm also the guy who threatens to eat eyelids when he gets angry. But nothing to worry about I'm nice really.