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I think I'm with you on most of what you say. We live in a 100 year old house which was very poorly built, yet still stands for some reason. In our livingroom we have a variety of lighting: a Noguchi pendant on an LED dimmer (works well, I made sure they were compatible) Noguchi table lamp, original tiny Tiffany-style pendant by front door and a large floor standing Tolomeo. One large front window and one large side window. The room was originally two small ones and a hallway but all walls in the area (including a supporting one, whups) were removed some time before we bought the house.
If my wife had her way we'd have all lighting at max all the time, and I'm not really hoping for a fix here, just providing a little levity for all the folks who have their shit together.
It seems crazy to spend lots of money on lighting then not use it at night but it really depends what atmosphere you're trying to create. I have large pendants over my dining table and I use candles to gently uplight them. This way i get to see the pendants and the reflected light emitted from them is very soft. Turning them on at night is like time at the bar.
On your other issue, generally speaking the simplest way to please people who want different levels of light is to use lighting control. On/off might not be giving you a happy medium so dimmers might be your friend if you're trying to reduce the ambient light levels in the evening. Just make sure you get lamps/dimmers that are compatible otherwise you'll be in buzzing/flicker hell. If your spouse still wants the lights turned up full then I'd recommend diffuse shades (paper, glass etc) to soften the harshness of light.
Ceiling lights are normally needed for kitchens, bathrooms and circulation at night but otherwise I always advise people to go for low level lighting in the evening. Remember it's all about contrast management so if it's dark outside you don't need a lot of light inside to feel comfortable.