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It seems crazy to spend lots of money on lighting then not use it at night but it really depends what atmosphere you're trying to create. I have large pendants over my dining table and I use candles to gently uplight them. This way i get to see the pendants and the reflected light emitted from them is very soft. Turning them on at night is like time at the bar.
On your other issue, generally speaking the simplest way to please people who want different levels of light is to use lighting control. On/off might not be giving you a happy medium so dimmers might be your friend if you're trying to reduce the ambient light levels in the evening. Just make sure you get lamps/dimmers that are compatible otherwise you'll be in buzzing/flicker hell. If your spouse still wants the lights turned up full then I'd recommend diffuse shades (paper, glass etc) to soften the harshness of light.
Ceiling lights are normally needed for kitchens, bathrooms and circulation at night but otherwise I always advise people to go for low level lighting in the evening. Remember it's all about contrast management so if it's dark outside you don't need a lot of light inside to feel comfortable.
Alright, I kind of thought that decorative lighting was attractive by definition and included the lit effect. Maybe it's a question of nomenclature.
Separate issue, and while I have you on the line... what if you have a spouse that wants to maximise the amount of light in the evening despite the level and type of activity not requiring it?
Not talking 'bout sex, baby.