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@Crispin_Glover
House is on the market! Agents do talk some guff don't they. Luckily absolutely no one reads the blurb in the particulars.
Had a look today and there's another 2 bed flat over the road that looks like the one Tommy dies in in Trainspotting, doesn't have a garden and and is 2/3rds the size for the same price. Going to have to assume ours goes for a lot more than asking otherwise I'm throwing the towel in and conceding that I don't know how anything works anymore.