Which Tyres?

Jan's latest crap for a good morning laugh:

• Some of our tyres have lots of small holes in them, so piss all the sealant out, if you get one of these too bad, just send it back to us and we hope the next one won't be like that
  
• Super thin tyres get fewer punctures than thick ones
  
• Wider tyres force you to ride off pavement more, so there'll be less broken glass around, so you won't get as many punctures, so stop complaining
  
• You should fit literal windscreen wipers for your tyres that are 18 dollars each
  
• If it's rocky you should magically "let the bike move around under you more", then you won't have any more punctures
  
• You must redesign your flat to keep your bike away from any electric motors or the tyres will break down and die