Tell me a joke. Earn +ve rep

When my grandfather was very old,, my grandma rubbed a load of lard into his back...

... after that he went downhill very quickly

You know those black boxes they have in planes, well they've started putting them in learner vehicles due to the high accident rate. Here's a transcription from one:

"Yeah, go straight for forty yards, then take a left....
... that's good in a moment we'll find a side road to practice your parallel parking..
... take a right here, maintain 30mph...
... Look out for that plane!... [white noise]"

as told to me by a 5 year old:
Why did suzie fall of the swing?
She had no arms.

Why did the little girl, fall off the bike?

leukemia

Why did the little girl drop her lolly-pop?

She was hit by a lorry.

Man walks into a pole...

...offers him a job.

what you call a man between two houses.....

Ali.

Not sure if this works (translated from a Finnish one):

What's a Gypsy triathlon?

Walk to the swimming hall and bicycle back.

When my grandfather was very old,, my grandma rubbed a load of lard into his back...

... after that he went downhill very quickly

Milton?

if you're ever being chased by a police dog try not to run over a seesaw, through a tunnel and a hoop of fire... cos they train them for that.

Jones yes. The pole joke is the only one that's mine

Not sure if this works (translated from a Finnish one):

What's a Gypsy triathlon?

Walk to the swimming hall and bicycle back.

Works fine :)

What did the policeman say to the belly button?

'You're under a vest"

Not sure if this works (translated from a Finnish one):

What's a Gypsy triathlon?

Walk to the swimming hall and bicycle back.

my fave finnish joke:

a finn arranges to meet his mate for a drink after work. He walks into the bar, sees his mate and says 'awright' (or the finnish equivalent... possibly "kyyla")
His mate says "I thought we came to drink, not talk."

If you know anyone from finland its really funny.

what do you call a sheep with no legs?

Cloud

so I got this new bird, shes a nice girl, Polish,
anyway I invited her round, she took 2 days to hoover the house,
turns out shes a Slovak...

my fave finnish joke:

a finn arranges to meet his mate for a drink after work. He walks into the bar, sees his mate and says 'awright' (or the finnish equivalent... possibly "kyyla")
His mate says "I thought we came to drink, not talk."

If you know anyone from finland its really funny.

That would be "kyllä".

And yes, that would be it.

How can you tell when you are talking to an extravert engineer?

He looks at your shoes instead of his own.

paddy gets mugged by four blokes
but he puts up a great fight
but in the end they overpower him, hold him down and go through his pockets
all he had was 40p
the muggers say "you put up that fight just for 40p?"
paddy said "i thought you were after the 500 quid in my sock"

what do you call a sheep with no legs?

nothing, it won't come to you anyway

Whats blue and fucks grannies?

Hypethermia

i need a brilliant joke i've not heard before.

Has this been resolved yet?

Yes

It will be when the Merge function is fully operational.

#deathstarquotes

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a krusty bus station, the other's a busty crustacean.

I'll get my coat.

Everyone laughed at me when I said I was going into comdey...

...well they're not laughing now.

love this one