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the one truth I can see in it is a desire to make the decision permanent/irrevocable - because that will make it far less appealing to other countries wanting to go down the path in future
This doesn't make sense to me. The EU is worried that the project is being threatened. How will punishing an entire nation of people, who would presumably simply be asking to have more time to sort out their long-term relationship a) convert those already skeptical of the project (across the EU) and b) not alienate some of those who are in favour of the project? Especially when that action will damage the EU economically? This isn't a "we need them as much as they need us" argument. It's a "this is the easiest and most pragmatic response" argument.
I think we mostly agree around here that the whole "the EU are just doing x to punish the UK" line is BS, but the one truth I can see in it is a desire to make the decision permanent/irrevocable - because that will make it far less appealing to other countries wanting to go down the path in future. (and could have the added benefit of forcing any potential country to have an internal dialogue first so that the terms of Brexit means Brexit are actually worked out before the Article 50 button is pressed.
Also ^ is a good point @aggi when you stop and think about it, for all the cake-ism that has been thrown around, the EU have almost let a cake situation happen- in our current status is about 90% cake which has been taken for granted