Crap 'Buzzwords'

I detest the use of that ‘word’ in that betting advert that was all over the TV during the World Cup. Rather disappointed AdTurds chose to pillory the Sky Bet one instead, which was also horrendous but at least grammatically correct.

You guys are really lucky to have annoying intelligent people at your workplace.

I just have annoying unintelligent people at my workplace...

I explained to a room of 8 people that a 'pickle' is not actually a vegetable, it is, in fact, the process. I then dug a little deeper and all fucking 8 of them believed that a pickle was a vegetable and that when you had something like pickled eggs, for example, someone would blend 'pickles' and mix them with eggs.

I really have to bite my tongue and let them live in their own world I guess, but a 3-hour long conversation about Love Island just pisses me off more than I can bare.

Sounds like you get all the benefits of pissed-up pub chat with them, without ever having to buy any of them a drink.

Do you mean a gherkin?

Ha!

I'm disappointed that this never took off.

Responsible for collaboration with cross functional teams and business operation processes development to achieve desired goals; this role focuses on providing standard and ad-hoc analysis, reporting business related insights, improvement suggestions and consultative services to unit's stakeholders and other internal clients using business data to support internal & strategic initiatives.

^all consulting

This, so much.

The people I work with are largely too ignorant to come up with or to successfully employ any corporate lingo.

Conversation seems to centre around a small selection of topics:

How much everyone drank last weekend.
How much everyone’s going to drink this weekend.
Who is playing football this weekend.

Luckily (really?) it’s a male dominated workplace so love island chat is kept to a minimum.

Me: Let me just check what this company does...

We develop brand solutions to address broad industry challenges through best practices tailored to specific client needs.

Me: Riiiiiiight...

We make ads develop brand solutions to address broad industry challenges through best practices tailored to specific client needs.

I'm still not 100% sure but they don't make ads.

Everyone one makes ads.

Fucking proposition, man.
Again and again....

It's the worst kind of buzzword in that is does have a very specific and legitimate meaning, but it is being bandied about by people incorrectly and now it means everything and nothing at the same time.

Case in point... a woman in my meeting just now was talking about testing and validating her proposition. She was talking about a case study she has written that she wants to have someone else read.
She wrote a case study.

Fucking proposition.

I like the sound of a fucking proposition

Just reading about Coca-Cola buying Costa in the FT and the chief exec of Coke ‘said’, presumably lifted direct from a press release:

“Hot beverages is one of the few remaining segments of the total beverage landscape where Coca-Cola does not have a global brand. Costa gives us access to this market through a strong coffee platform.”

‘Total beverage landscape’??!

‘Strong coffee platform’??!

Many people would have argued back and forth on this appalling use of language before settling on this.

Strong coffee platform

A coffee table?

Made from mahogany

Ooh ooh!
Another one.

I have been doing a good job. Go me.
My client is happy.
My client told my boss she is happy.

My boss told his boss.
His boss emailed me.

His boss said.... "Congrats on a great super-competency engagement".

Just imagine... just imagine being so caught up in the whiff of it all that you lose the ability to say 'thank you' or 'well done'

‘Wash up’ meeting. Just kill me. Please.

Just now:

"I have facilitated this for yourself".

Perhaps "I have just done it" ?

We at ... are upscaling our... delivery and would be keen to work with you to deliver this, but require you to go through an on-boarding process. In addition, we will need you to evidence the ... delivery competencies...
I dispair.

Nothing is done until it's actioned, I'd escalate this (dob them in by cc) if I were you.

Expedite until it's done and dusted

Maybe. I think he has done it though, so perhaps a simple thanks is in order:

"I have acknowledged yourself of the actioning of that for myself"